Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Day 619 - Why do I not look forward to work?


Okay so I see that it’s getting down to it. I have only been in training for the time being, learning the ropes etc, soon I’ll be starting out for real. Though I within my mind have this image that I will fuck up, I will need help, I will fuck up again – is this negativity/pessimism, or reality? Both I’d say. I mean realistically, of course I don’t know a lot. I will run into situations where I don’t know what to do or need clarification. LEARNING TAKES TIME.

But htat I will ‘fuck up’ – is my mind as negativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look forward to work because I will be doing ‘the real thing’ soon and thus have more responsibility as myself and as an employee, failing to see, realise and understand that this was bound to happen, within this I commit myself to take on this challenge as my personal GROWTH, DEVELOPMENT, CHANGE as what is best for all and as thus example.

I commit myself to allow myself to learn through MISTAKE, through CONFUSION, through CLARIFICATION, THROUGH QUESITONING, THROUGH SEEKING ADVICE, THROUGH SEEKINH HELP, AND THROUGH WITHIN THIS, PUTTING MYSELF IN THE POSITION OF CONFUSING AS ASKING, AS STOPPING, AS NOT FEARING TO ASK, TO SEEK WITHIN FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT AS THE MIND, AS FEAR OF LOOKING STUPID/DUMB, AS FEAR OF BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES NOT KNOW THIS SHIT AND THAT I SHOULD KNOW HTIS SHIT INSIDE NAD OUT BY NOW OR I AM DUMB.

I commit myself to take my process SLOWLY as possible, taking in and absorbing information at my own pace until I get there.

For me the big part is speaking on the phone to others

Why, because I ‘feel’ like I am responsibile, that it’s UP TO ME to fix shit, and I am new, so I am still ‘expected’ to know this shit, but I won’t because I am new, because it undoubtedly takes time, for different people etc. I know I’m kind etc etc. Attitude is fine (well for the most part lol). So it’s the actual info that they need/answers that I am providing as job description that I fear because well, simply I will need time to learn/stop, make the person wait so I can find the answer, but there is NOTHING else I can do.

You know, so all I can do is my best. If I need to put them on hold/ask them to wait, then so be it. If they hang up because they’re for example sick of waiting, then so be it. If I get feedback that says whatever whatever, then so be it. Simply, as long as I do my best, which I always do, then nothing happens, because I’ve committed myself to doing this, putting my best foot forward, going forwards, making strides, absorbing info, that is all that can be asked of me, so whatever outflow of that is simply what is in that moment.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider negative outflows of myself and what I do.



5 comments:

  1. Hey Anthony, I undestand your intention to be direct with you though I'd suggest to have a look at taking a moment to re-read it, read this out loud and see if this is a sound support you are giving to yourself in self-stability, from my perspective even the typos on it imply that it was written in a not so 'here' moment and might even contain still a sense of anger or judgment towards yourself, so here I share what I see which can be of course my own interpretation when reading it, but here sharing it with you to ask you and see what comes up with you in a second or third reading...

    Thanks for sharing

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Marlen.
      Yes especially in that caps lock part lol. Lots of typos there, I didn't notice many of them before your feedback, so thank you. You're right, as I was especially writing this part, it was something of a culmination of all the times I've written about similar points and within me a sort of getting sick of repeating writings and such.
      So definitely slowing down is something I must work on and within this, not get angry/react as you mentioned to repeating writings in a way, because a degree of repetition is sometimes required, and even here I've found a type of release despite some repetition in writings. It may even take me more writings about similar points before I can fully transcend this.

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    2. So, Anthony, you can use this as an opportunity to instead of focusing so much on laying out the problem - which surely has been self forgiven before, rather focus on detailing and laying out the solutions, the practical solutions. And here, if you blank out or find no way through, take the point to the forum, share what you're currently struggling with and then many can also assist and share what has worked for each with similar points or experiences.

      So definitely here to be aware of not judging yourself because indeed, a lot of it is 'the same of the same' but at the same time, there are different dimensions existent to one single point or experience, so don't be hard on yourself, remember to breathe and write yourself out the way that you can see it actually assists you in creating a potential of change within you, not the other way around as in self-bashing so to speak.

      Ok, keep them coming and remember to speak up, ask for support whenever you see no way through.

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    3. Thanks heaps Marlen. Will utilise the support available.

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