Monday, 25 April 2016

Day 559 - Enjoying life without energy


I have this belief that basically people as the mind and so as energy have more fun and enjoy life/activities more. And in the end just enjoy life more.
As I get further into my process, and so further into and as the physical body, I've been able to see how huge the role of energy is when people both converse and move with themselves and one another. I've noticed how almost EVERY single thing that comes out of one's mouth is backed by energy.

There is an emotion or feeling attached to it. Or a disregard for life. Or an opinion. Or all of these combined. It's actually quite fascinating and interesting.
I'll give some context for this now and how this came about. I was at a sporting event with others, a large crowd, some 60,000 people. The passion is EXTREME by basically each in the stadium. But with passion comes anger. They are one in the same as the mind from what I've seen. On that note we must keep the passion, but minus the anger/any emotion/feeling.

Anyway, dependent on how one's team/the players were going, differing emotions/feelings are shown by individuals. A lot of shouting, swearing, and then applause, glee, happiness. Then sadness. Then anger. Each being exclusively affected by what is happening in the sporting stadium.
And then there was me who was able to keep calm, relaxed and stable among these energies around me.

But it was within this that I believed myself to not be having 'as good a time' as others. And something I've noticed again in my process is people LOVE to feed off eachother's energy. It's like "YEAH, I'M ANGRY AND SO ARE YOU! LET'S USE THIS ANGER TO FEEL ALIVE!" Lol that's how I see it. Not just anger of course, whatever emotion/feeling - whatever energy in general. And so I wasn't in this moment at the sporting stadium as energy. I did applaud occasionally for the team that I somewhat followed and made a few comments that were 'clear' in the sense of when an obvious mistake happened or something good happened, but that was it. On the inside I was calm as a...*enter calm thing here*

So for me, I saw it as not easy to participate within this all. It is literally like a wall of energy. So what are my options here? Obviously I'm not going to take on an energetic persona/the me of old as energy/the mind, that is backtracking and being self-dishonest. I see that it's appropriate to just watch the match and participate as the physical when I see I can/necessary and that's it. Obviously allow others to participate as energy/as the mind as they please/as all they know and accept that.

This is bringing up a lot for me now. But I want to write it out. So this is where this particular pointed stemmed from. But as I mentioned, I see this time in, time out. It's not just sporting events where emotions/feelings/the mind/energy plays a role, no, it's EVERYWHERE and EVERYWHEN. For me personally, I must first accept this, because this is what is here now. There IS energy all around me and people DO LOVE to feed off one another's energy - this is what I've come to see/realise and this WILL NOT change.

For me, I contribute/participate when I can/how I can obviously AS the physical, as stability, as an EXAMPLE to others - and within this yes that can mean that I do not necessarily participate 'as much' as the energy does around me, but that is fine.

Another thing I've noticed is as the physical, as stability, it's VERY EASY to get RIGHT to the point of something. This is like some awesome-magic ability! Seriously. It is because I am not blinded by energy at all. So I can get to the point of something/the bottom of something without having to 'talk it out' for instance with another, and that 'talking out' usually consists of you guessed it, ENERGY. I'm sure all Destonians have witnessed this themselves.

It is a super power.

Coming back a bit here, do I have as much fun, do I enjoy life as much when and as the physical/without energy compared to another who IS energy? I see that I am STILL coming to terms with living/enjoying WITHOUT energy - I am in transit. THAT is why. And self-forgiveness here will assist me in getting through transit here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require ENERGY to ENJOY and to have FUN with not only myself, but with others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that once I am through transit, that being the place between energy and the physical, what others do as energy will NOT phase me, it will NOT effect me, why, because I will be HERE as the physical and so as stability, as enjoyment - already, I will live these things as me instead of SEEKING THEM through ENERGY as others do as ENERGY.

When and as I see myself amongst people who are obviously feeding one another as energy and I feel like I can't 'participate' because I am NOT energy, I stop and breathe. I realise that I CAN still enjoy and WILL still enjoy but of course not as energy, as the PHYSICAL - because as the PHYSICAL, I don't need/do not require to rely on external happenings to FEED ME, to SATISFY ME, including the MIND.
So I commit myself to practice this as being in social situations and of a PHYSICAL being/body here - that is all, and within this, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that this is what/who I am, I am no more and no less, and so enjoy the moment, enjoy the spectacle at hand.

These sporting events specifically, I mean obviously these players participating in these sports are energy.
For me in the end, and well as the starting point, it's to enjoy the spectacle/the skill on show. That is it, really. I mean for now as most are energy, it's to participate without energy. And it's something I will work on as I mentioned. I look forward to this challenge.

Saturday, 9 April 2016

Day 558 - What's the point of eye contact?


In my life I've always had quite a lot of resistance to eye contact. I would do a BIT of eye contact with another, then look away lol, look at something other than another's eyes. That is like a cop out, an easy way out I see. I find it pretty fascinating, eye contact in general. Performing eye contact with another certainly brings a much stronger connection and ability to converse/direct from how I see it/how eye contact works/happens.

Blinking is a natural response too.
Anyway, back to eye contact - a huge deal of eye contact or lack thereof is associated with confidence or lack of confidence. And I can see that in myself. I have been a shy person as my mind for most of my life, and that obviously does not conform to how eye contact works.
If I am a stable being, then there should be no issue with eye contact, with prolonged eye contact - there shouldn't be a need to 'look away' or look elsewhere to 'feel' more comfortable and/or to feel better.

So I see that I can build/share/learn more through EYE CONTACT. So this is something I am going to work on a lot and see what results come out of it. If I gain more/learn more...more insights for instance from another, build a connection more, I think I will, because eye contact is very powerful. Looking into another person, as they look into me. I think that it really brings people closer and create a lot of stability within both people.

Friday, 8 April 2016

Day 557 - Building my life around a routine


I desire to build my life/what I do with/in my life around my 'routine.' Thing is though and the thing that I've forgotten/not realised is that my current routine is here based on my life/what happens in my life. I can't continue life/living fully/embracing if I am following a routine. I must be willing to change routines/be open to differing routines each and every time. That is how people get 'stuck' - they fall in a singular routine for however long, and become accustomed to it. And doing anything outside of that routine is a line that most people in that familiar routine will not cross.

That routine can be waking up at a particular time. Getting home at a particular time. Eating at a particular time etc. Thing is, to survive in this current system, and even to live generally/explore/embrace, we have to ignore the routine, we have to not live by the routine/as the routine.

Our lives shouldn't be built around anything, our lives shouldn't be built around anything that is preconceived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to build my life around a routine that I am comfortable/familiar with.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live routine-free so that I can explore/embrace and do what is needed/best for my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within a routine, assign myself times/distances as to whether I can do/cannot do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by routine.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed my life to evolve and change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to start living.

When and as I see myself desiring to build my life around a routine, I stop and breathe. I realise that my current routine is a symptom of my current life/what I have chosen to do/not do. And so I commit myself to allow my life to take me to new/interesting/different places so that I can escape and delete my current routine.

When and as I introduce new/interesting/different things within my life, I commit myself to simply DO what I must do for others/myself based on my LIFE and so NOT based on any routine that is only singular and one-dimensional.

I commit myself to make choices based on my life and where my life takes me - within this I commit myself to be willing to embrace the paths that my life takes me and/or the paths that I choose to follow/embrace for benefit.

Thursday, 7 April 2016

Day 556 - The deep end


I've been hugely avoiding 'the deep end.' That being the moments where I will exit my comfort zone and have to face new boundaries and new obstacles. I've found it hard most of the time to leave my comfort zone. Having said this, I've left my comfort zone in my process with Desteni. Quite a lot actually now that I remember/realise - nonetheless, I must take it to the next level. The next level of being 'uncomfortable.'

It's certainly easy to play it safe/play it comfortably. Humans like the easy life, the safe/comfortable life, or most do. But really, who is more rewarded - those in the safe/comfort zone for their life, or those who constantly and consistently try new things in life/go for gold so to speak? Even if those that try new things/reach far fuck up in the moment/look 'silly' - they've already grown and expanded - and that's the take home message.

It's the will to actually go for it. To be willing to try something new/something seemingly 'uncomfortable.' Though it's not actually uncomfortable, it is purely something we are unfamiliar with. We as humans can't be expected to know how EVERYTHING functions. There are so many things to try/utilise in the world. But without the will, we'll never know/learn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack the WILL to push myself into the deep and so as to expand myself and leave my comfort/safe zone so as to gain reward as learning new things/discovering new things in the ONE and ONLY life I have here physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exit my comfort zone when I see that I can/want to, but not do it in other moments where I see that I can't/don't want to.
I see that I must delete the comfort zone that I have lived within and as.

I commit myself to allow myself to garner reward for doing new things/going head first into new moments through reward as experience of the new moment - within this, not looking at if the moment is successful as to whether then I get reward, but realising that the reward is in itself just for pushing myself and willing myself into the new moment/experience - THAT is the reward, no matter the outcome of the new moment/experience.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over the outcome of the potential moment/experience whereas if it is one I am apparently not comfortable with, I will see it having a negative outcome wherein I am perhaps humiliated/laughed at - which is an unnecessary and unrealistic fear and I just use this as an excuse to avoid going for new moments/experiences to expand me.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to expand myself by pushing through as the will to try new moments/experiences.
I commit myself to just go for it and accept whatever happens, fuck up or not. I commit myself to get my reward and utilise my reward however I want to as/after I will myself into a new moment/experience.

Monday, 4 April 2016

Day 555 - Selective hearing


A lot of the time within my share house with many people, I'll be in my room and here others chatting outside. It's at that point where I change my focus of hearing on what it is that I'm doing in the moment/here, to what is being said elsewhere/not here. I mean it's different if I'm hearing HERE on what it is that I'm doing and I can STILL hear what is happening elsewhere for whatever reason, but I make genuine changes to focus solely on what is happening/being said elsewhere.

I'll for instance mute my tv. Pause my ipod. And stop any sounds that are being made.
I want to know what others are saying. Why? I want to know if they are talking about/of me. Again, why?
I fear that they are talking 'badly' about me. But then I ask myself here and now, have I done anything for others to talk 'badly' about me? And the answer is no.

So this is some unnecessary and unrealistic fear of mine. Because there is no substance at all to it. I've not done anything that would provoke 'bad talking' of me, or negative talking of me, so what's there to fear/worry about? There isn't anything to fear/worry about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are always talking negatively about me in some way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask myself the question in the moment of this fear of "What have I done to promote negative speak of myself?"

When and as I see myself desiring to mute my tv/ipod and/or stop sounds so that I can solely focus on what is being said elsewhere in the fear that all this talk is directed at me in some way, I stop and breathe. I realise that this fear has no substance at all because there is nothing that I've actually/legitimately done that would promote negative talking of me. So I commit myself to do what it is that I am doing and to continue doing it despite hearing talk elsewhere.

I commit myself not to listen 'blindly' to what is being said elsewhere, because that is exactly what I'm doing, listening 'blindly' - because again there is NO reasons to fear that others are talking negatively of me at all - I am listening as the mind and as fear without substance.