Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Day 619 - Why do I not look forward to work?


Okay so I see that it’s getting down to it. I have only been in training for the time being, learning the ropes etc, soon I’ll be starting out for real. Though I within my mind have this image that I will fuck up, I will need help, I will fuck up again – is this negativity/pessimism, or reality? Both I’d say. I mean realistically, of course I don’t know a lot. I will run into situations where I don’t know what to do or need clarification. LEARNING TAKES TIME.

But htat I will ‘fuck up’ – is my mind as negativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look forward to work because I will be doing ‘the real thing’ soon and thus have more responsibility as myself and as an employee, failing to see, realise and understand that this was bound to happen, within this I commit myself to take on this challenge as my personal GROWTH, DEVELOPMENT, CHANGE as what is best for all and as thus example.

I commit myself to allow myself to learn through MISTAKE, through CONFUSION, through CLARIFICATION, THROUGH QUESITONING, THROUGH SEEKING ADVICE, THROUGH SEEKINH HELP, AND THROUGH WITHIN THIS, PUTTING MYSELF IN THE POSITION OF CONFUSING AS ASKING, AS STOPPING, AS NOT FEARING TO ASK, TO SEEK WITHIN FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT AS THE MIND, AS FEAR OF LOOKING STUPID/DUMB, AS FEAR OF BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES NOT KNOW THIS SHIT AND THAT I SHOULD KNOW HTIS SHIT INSIDE NAD OUT BY NOW OR I AM DUMB.

I commit myself to take my process SLOWLY as possible, taking in and absorbing information at my own pace until I get there.

For me the big part is speaking on the phone to others

Why, because I ‘feel’ like I am responsibile, that it’s UP TO ME to fix shit, and I am new, so I am still ‘expected’ to know this shit, but I won’t because I am new, because it undoubtedly takes time, for different people etc. I know I’m kind etc etc. Attitude is fine (well for the most part lol). So it’s the actual info that they need/answers that I am providing as job description that I fear because well, simply I will need time to learn/stop, make the person wait so I can find the answer, but there is NOTHING else I can do.

You know, so all I can do is my best. If I need to put them on hold/ask them to wait, then so be it. If they hang up because they’re for example sick of waiting, then so be it. If I get feedback that says whatever whatever, then so be it. Simply, as long as I do my best, which I always do, then nothing happens, because I’ve committed myself to doing this, putting my best foot forward, going forwards, making strides, absorbing info, that is all that can be asked of me, so whatever outflow of that is simply what is in that moment.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider negative outflows of myself and what I do.



Friday, 25 November 2016

Day 618 - How do I know if I am lying with my self-forgiveness?


I had this concern within myself that I could be doing this, and not knowing whether I am doing this or not (lying as self-forgiveness). For example, forgiving myself as a way of having something go my way or ‘feeling better’ – though by staying within the mind as desires and such.

So how can I know that my self-forgiveness, whether written, or saying within the moment aloud/to myself is self-honest? Well, I see that it comes to how instant it is. That being, if I am taking TIME to THINK IT OUT first, then it most likely is not self-honest and thus is a lie of sorts. What I see here is that yes, basically all of my self-forgiveness HAS been self-honest/said instantly/within a moment, though this whole point has come up as a fear within my mind, fear that I am lying as self-forgiveness, that I am ‘twisting facts’ or manipulating self-forgiveness as excuse/justification to continue down the same mind-directed paths and such.

Self-forgiveness happens in a moment, without hesitation or resistance. It must just be said directly in a moment. There is absolutely NO reason to have to ‘think’ about what one must say in a moment. It is already here. We know what we’re doing or not doing, we know if we’re being directed by the mind or here as our physical selves.

It’s about keeping it basic, really. It’s when we think at all, when we fuck ourselves up and make something more than it is/overthinking etc.

Thus..

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that self-forgiveness as it SHOULD BE happens instantly, in a moment, in breath, here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that self-forgiveness does NOT require thought, it simply requires saying, or writing, or doing, in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my self-forgiveness has been ‘wrong’ or a ‘lie’ which I in fact realise is my mind’s method of attempting to gain back control/direction of myself and thus over my physical body in attempting to manipulate me/continue with the manipulation that I once allowed it to have over my physical body/direction as the physical.

When and as I see myself fearing whether my self-forgiveness is ‘legitimate’ – I stop and breathe. I realise that any self-forgiveness IN A MOMENT/INSTANTLY IS self-honest, it IS real, it IS what is required in a moment AS a physical response to a situation/moment.


Thus I commit myself to speak my self-forgiveness and write it instantly, in the moment to aid my physical body in getting back on course/the path as direction and thus minus the mind-direction/path that has led me to self-dishonesty over my life.



Thursday, 17 November 2016

Day 617 - Photogenic


The definition of photogenic is “(especially of a person) looking attractive in photographs or on film.”

In my life I have HATED photos lol. I always felt uneasy about them. As soon as it came time for someone to hold up a camera and then me and/or others and well me having to stand there/sit there, whatever it was and wait until the photo was done, was a moment I dreaded.

What went through my mind as I waited for photos to happen/be taken were “How will I look after this photo is taken?” “I hope I look okay.” “What if I look stupid?” “What if I look ugly?” “What if I look weird?” “What if my smile/laugh looks fake?” “What if I don’t look genuine/real?”

Things like this.

Really funny now that I look at all these backchats/words that go through my mind in that moment of waiting, because that waiting period is usually no longer than 10 seconds lol.

But that is what goes on. So in accordance with my participation in all of this chat within my mind, how of course not, I cannot possibly be ‘ready’ within my physical self for a photo, and that will in fact be NOTICED/SEEN after I see the photo output. I will know of resistance, of hesitancy, of friction, of fears. Pretty fascinating actually.

So of course my best bet is to have NO chat/backchat within my mind of questioning myself/what the photo will look like/how I look etc. I look how I look as my physical self. I have ONE look, I’m only one person. I can pull expressions and stuff, but it’s still me.
So going back to this ‘photogenic’ term/definition, I can only ‘look’ how I LOOK/AM. Simple as that. This ‘attractive’ part is meaningless. What I am is what I am, how I am is how I am, what I look like is what I look like, and so then I commit myself to not participate within chat/backchat within my mind of questioning how I will look in the photo/if I will look this way or that way in a photo, if I will be genuine/real.

I commit myself to simply BE with a camera infront of me.

I commit myself to express if I want to with a camera infront of me.

I commit myself to accept photos of myself as that is what I look like. 



Wednesday, 16 November 2016

Day 616 - Redoing something


I was doing something and was doing it as I saw was necessary, but then the boss stated that this wasn’t ‘as’ correct/right as it could have been. Even now I see how it was practically the same method either way with only minor differences, really. Though the boss’ word reigns supreme, so I ended up redoing it. Though at the time/upon almost finishing this task, then getting the word about this being possibly ‘wrong’ – I was in a disbelief lol, but I accepted the word from the boss and redid it.


So here I see that well everyone has a different perspective on things. It can be a perfectionist-type of perspective/view for example, which is what I saw here, mine was more of a general/but still accurate method – again, all in all, these methods were the same with only minor differences if any. But of course I accepted because that was the position I was in at the time.



Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Day 615 - Boy


Today was a pretty good day. Cooking. Computer room/study. All in all, well. Something I did react to was being referred to as “boy”. When I hear this, I immediately get a bit agitated within myself. It’s all because of how I see myself, and specifically seeing myself as not-adult/not-adult enough. And within this, more kid/teen-like.

There are a few reasons for this. The socialising aspect. Generally I’m not big on socialising. Not because I ‘hate’ it or people lol, but generally I like my alone time, I like my own company, but yes I do enjoy speaking with others, but as I’ve spoken about before, the common ground/mutual aspects must exist. So those, + the talking not as force, only when ‘needed’ or real/legitimate, and ya it can be seen as antisocial blah blah etc.

This coupled with how I dress.

So these are both points I’ve written out before, but evidently require further writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively within myself at being referred to as “boy” by another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see being a boy as a negative thing, as if a boy as a child is a negative thing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s wrong/mean for one to refer to me as boy and that it is an insult from them/attack on me, when in reality it’s just my relationship with the word ‘boy’ – the negative energies/relationship I’ve associated with ‘boy’.


I commit myself to accept myself as a boy, as a man, as a human, as a person, whatever relevant label/title or other label/title and go with it, because my reactions to whatever word only show me, me/myself and what I need to work on/release.



Monday, 14 November 2016

Day 614 - Still in high school at 23, embarrassment


So I had this dream last night that I was still in high school at 23. Generally a person finishes high school/leaves at 18 years old, providing they passed year 12. So in this dream either I continued failing so had to repeat year 12 constantly (after 5 years) or I decided to give high school another shot because I never finished year 12 (which I never did in reality, so I suspect this was the case in the dream).

So the emotion here for me was embarrassment. Embarrassed that I was ‘too dumb’ to finish year 12 and I never gave it a go. I ended up doing year 10, then did year 11 at another school, then decided not to do year 12. At that time it was because I didn’t enjoy the schooling system and everything, so I did a more specific course in a field that I was interested in.

So here I see that, and I have this belief a lot, is that I am dumb/stupid. There are things which a lot of people seem to know of, as if common knowledge/information, but I do not always know it. Then I blame myself for not doing year 12. It can be certain history that I don’t know, or information regarding space/the solar system, geography etc.

Though here I realise there is no guarantee that I’d actually learn all this in year 12. So it’s the belief that I am missing information/have missed out on information, and I am pointing the reason why to not completing this year level. Though again, in reality, it was more likely to be my lack of concentration, not wanting to learn, preferring to play video games/listen to music, whatever it was. So if I did redo high school/primary school, that being, with and as the NEW me, the changed me, then absolutely, I’d be dedicated/diligent. I’d find fascination in learning. And doing well, for my sake as a career, as money, as survival.

Anyway, that chapter is over. I am here now. With the dawn of the internet, libraries..books etc, there is a library of information..in many different sources. So if there’s something I want to know, I research it. Though I’m not going to research things based on what I ‘think’ I ‘should’ know as what is apparent common sense/knowledge/information – if I don’t know something, then fine, I ask, I question/someone can inform me.

I commit myself to research the things I WANT TO research.

I commit myself not to research/learn things based on what I believe is common sense/information/knowledge out of fear of looking stupid/dumb within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid/dumb within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to participate within embarrassment within my mind when people are talking about things that they know of, but I do not, then I pretend to know of what they are speaking of, though this is lying to myself and others for sake of wanting to be on the same page/level as they are. So I commit myself to be honest with myself and others and ask about it, get answers if I want them, and then obviously learn, take that information onboard for myself/use it/live it.

I commit myself not to pretend I know things. I commit myself to seek answers simply from a point of wanting to know/learn. I commit myself to be honest with and within myself for my own sake/sake of others.

I commit myself not to see myself as ‘not belonging’ with others based on not knowing things.


I commit myself to realise that life belongs with life.



Saturday, 12 November 2016

Day 613 - Amount of friends


Person A has a lot of friends. Someone who has lots of friends has good people skills generally. I see intimidation in this. Like “They have so many friends/people around them, they must be cool.” So there is inferiority here. That because I don’t have a lot of friends/people around me, that I’m not as ‘cool’ – or I’m simply not as good/good enough, inferior. And they are superior..better, cool etc.

Thing is, people do not MAKE a person. A person, an individual makes a person/individual, from within self.

And I don’t know the whys to Person A having lots of people around/knowing lots of people. It can be a point of loneliness, it can be energy-based, it can be not wanting to be seen as a loner – I do not know. Because generally speaking, it is seen as negative to be alone, to have no friends/no people around, like having people around/friends etc is the holy grail of life, the pinnacle. The pinnacle of what it means to be human, to be life – how social one is and/or popular. The amount of people etc around one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the pinnacle of being human/life is to be popular, is to have lots of friends/people around, is to know lots of people, is to be as social as possible, within this, believing that the ‘key’ to being the pinnacle lies in others, when the key to being the pinnacle, the pinnacle of life as Equality and Oneness exists here in all of us, thus it’s to find this point and reach it through process which I commit myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimated by one who is popular/has people around them/knows many people. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimated by social people who seem to be able to get on well with everyone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that we all have this quality of being able to get on well with people, though it’s a mutual thing.

When and as I see myself believing myself to be inferior to one who is very social/has many people around/is popular, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is not in fact the pinnacle of being human/life as I believed it to be. I realise that the pinnacle of life is who one is, simply.

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Thursday, 10 November 2016

Day 612 - Equality is the ONLY option


On the walk back from a soccer match to the car, I saw a homeless person sleeping to the side of the footpath.

You know, from the self-investigation/change I’m undertaking, it’s so absolutely unfathomable that I have allowed this to happen/exist. A world/society like this, where being homeless is an option. Seeing it for myself only fuels the realisation, no, the necessity for change. And it is my goal in life, no question. To change myself. Be an example of change. Help others change themselves. There is NO stopping until all are equal. There is NO stopping until all can live an enjoyable life.

I mean, everything else can get fucked. Sport, entertainment, music – this is all bullshit when seen next to the destruction/chaos of everyday life. It’s in many, many forms. That is why there can only be one goal. The goal of change and within that, self-investigation, self-change, example and thus creating ripples in the world, in the system, in the lives of others.

If we don’t STAND for life, then our lives are meaningless. Sorry, that is the bold truth of the matter. Fact is, we’re each capable of self-change and thus the change of others. We either take this onboard/act upon it, or choose NOT TO and continue the ignorance. Why not do something that assists ALL? Why not give up the ‘pleasantries’ in the form of entertainment, music, sport etc?

Why not contribute to something massive? Why not help your fellow human? Why not be proud of who you are in this world? Why not give up your current life for something that is real and genuine?

It can be tempting to continue within the ignorance and programmed lives/patterns we have and are, but it’s nothing, it’s not reaching our potential, it’s not even considering our potential, it’s just..ignorance, it’s self-interest. It’s fake.


And it doesn’t matter how old you are, your gender, your origin, your background, your status in society, your job, your lack of job, your income, the vehicle you do or do not drive – so therefore there is NO excuse to justify you continuing this same life of not doing something for the benefit of all.



Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Day 611 - Eye contact


I’ve seen that when I make eye contact with others, MOST seem to struggle lol. Or only give me some. So as this happens, I thus have this believe that my eyes are..scary? Lol. I used to always avoid eye contact, because it made me uncomfortable. Granted, I can still make more, and this is one instance where I can, because I am not making as much eye contact, because others don’t do the same to me and thus I am not doing it as much. But I want to.

I realise that eye contact is a really cool way of communication, I mean, of bonding, of making it personal, of connection, all physically. So I will do it, despite others looking into my eyes or not. Though I don’t see it as practical to simply not do it because others aren’t giving me eye contact. And additionally, I do not have ‘scary’ eyes or anything of the ilk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid eye contact with others based on them not giving me eye contact when I give them eye contact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my eyes as scary as the reason why people don’t give me eye contact.

I commit myself to give as much eye contact as I want to/see is necessary, no matter what another does/does not do in giving me eye contact or not.


When and as I see myself fearing eye contact in any way, shape or form, I stop and breathe. I realise that eye contact is for connection physically, thus I commit myself to give myself this opportunity of connection, no matter if another does the same to me/of me. I commit myself to embrace connection through eye contact. I commit myself to give myself the opportunity of connection physically through eye contact.



Monday, 7 November 2016

Day 610 - Flexible with food



In my life I’ve eaten apparent ‘lunch food’ for lunch, ‘breakfast food’ for breakfast and so on. So an example of breakfast food could be cereal. An example for lunch could be a sandwich. And dinner, a roast.

I have gotten rid of this to now just eat whatever the Hell I want to, at whatever time I want to lol. Though I see that with some things, for instance if I take them as lunch to work, that I am judging myself for the products I eat at lunch time. So I still have this idea that sandwiches/rolls etc SHOULD be eaten at lunch. For me, there is this cereal I like. I am not taking this to work, but I like the cereal on its own. Biscuit kind of cereal.

So I was fearing taking this box to work and eating at lunch time. I mean, food is food. If I like it, I eat it. Unless it’s impractical, like carrying milk with me in my bag when it should be in the fridge, then what’s the big deal? There isn’t one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate certain foods with certain times of the day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see food as food, thus if it works for my body, I eat it, simply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for eating a ‘cereal’ at any time of the day.

When and as I see myself desiring to buy sandwiches/rolls and/or bringing them to work for the sake of it apparently being a ‘normal lunch’ – I stop and breathe. I realise that there is no such thing in reality as a ‘normal lunch’ – only a lunch that has become social norm, like a sandwich/roll. I realise that there is no food that is ‘off limits’ at lunch lol, or any part/time of the day.


I commit myself to give my body the necessary food simply to keep my body working as it should.



Sunday, 6 November 2016

Day 609 - KPI fear


I haven’t been in a work environment where KPI’s play a big role. The only ones I’ve had are getting the job done in the required amount of time and doing it efficiently. I’m starting a new job soon which will have differing KPI’s, but I suspect more than any role I’ve had. And more specific.

So I’ve been worrying about these. So therefore I already believe I can’t do it. Like, I can’t work under ‘pressure’ – or I will crumble under pressure. Though I am the one who creates this pressure in the first place. So if there is no pressure, then I don’t see why I can’t meet whatever KPI needs to be met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create pressure within trying to meet KPI’s and within this therefore believing I can’t meet them, though I’m the one creating this apparent pressure environment in the first place, based on having to meet KPI’s.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate KPI’s with pressure and thus feel worried/stressed within my mind.

I see, realise and understand that without creating this pressure environment within my mind, that I can meet KPI’s effectively/well, because I simply do my job to the best of my ability, and being clear/stable within doing this/as a starting point will make me able to do the best job I can do and so meet these KPI’s effectively.


When and as I see myself fearing KPI’s and that I can’t meet them because they create pressure, I stop and breathe. I realise that I MYSELF create pressure, NOT the KPI’s. So I commit myself to meet any KPI’s I have as stability, through breath, and thus by doing the best I can do/be within this job/within meeting KPI’s.



Friday, 4 November 2016

Day 608 - Delaying the inevitable




I used to ATTEMPT to do this very frequently. At school it was when I had an oral presentation in a week...2...however long. And to 'cope' with my strong reactions towards this as fear, nerves, worry, anxiety, I'd 'pretend' as if it's a long way away. DENIAL. SUPPRESSION. And also I'd try to 'have as much fun' while I'm 'free' from having to FACE this oral presentation and thus FACE MYSELF!

This is but a single example in my life, but the way I handled it is the same for all future-things I didn't want to do.
So I've felt this way again recently to an extent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can avoid/run away from the INEVITABLE.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself as what comes up inside me in relation to dread, fear, worry, anxiety.

I commit myself to investigate my relationship to things and REMOVE the patterns that direct me to be fearful, worried, nervous, scared in relation to future things.

I commit myself not to 'enjoy' time before the activity as if cramming in as much enjoyment as possible to 'feel alive' and to 'feel happy/good' before 'getting to the shit stuff' that beholds me.

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Thursday, 3 November 2016

Day 607 - Feel like I can’t fit in if in Desteni group


So I look at this title and realise that I mean, this is something of well, what SHOULD happen lol. I see the mind is also at play here in belief that I can’t fit in with others etc as well, though. But generally speaking, and as I’ve realised, you know, everything is different after studying the Desteni material. From how one speaks, to how they act, how they do things, anything, it has a different impact on every little movement.

So within this, absolutely, it’s much different to the ‘old me’ and the average person. There is no getting around that. If I was HOPING to be able to relate more or fit in more with others, then I’d participate more within and as ENERGY. Like doing stupid shit to get laughs or impress, drinking alcohol heavily, taking drugs, not only that stuff..talking about a bunch of pointless shit lol, talking for the sake of talking, communicating because silence is apparently ‘awkward’ – so we force talking to ‘avoid the apparent awkwaredness’. You know, stuff like this.

But absolutely I DON’T want this or want to be this. I’m actually aware now. I don’t want to be this energy-driven being who is doing so for reasons to impress, to be liked etc. When stability exists and within that, no energy, there’s no need to do this pointless shit as I’ve seen/realised.

So for me it’s just the belief I can’t fit in without energy. I absolutely can, but it IS different. It SHOULD be different. Different for me. I’m a different/new person, someone who is aware. Someone who is direct. Real. Honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot ‘fit in’ with others because I do not want to participate within and as energy – forcing conversation, drinking alcohol, taking drugs, saying shit for the sake of saying shit, avoiding ‘awkwardness’ or silence for the sake of it.

I see, realise and understand that me being different now is to do with awareness, stability, here-ness, physical and most of all, minus the mind and it’s STRONG influence over us and of course myself for most of my life.

So I commit myself to ‘fit in’ but DIFFERENTLY, thus as awareness, stability, as the physical, without the mind, yes it’ll be different, but it is meant to be, it’s a totally different way of being, thus all is different as my output. So here I see, realise and understand that DIFFERENT does NOT mean BAD or WRONG. Different in this case is actually NECESSARY, it is real, it is stable, it is physical, it is awareness.

I commit myself to embrace my new self for the benefit of all. I commit myself to embrace my DIFFERENCES as the best version of myself that I can be. I commit myself to delve into unknown territory as to discover, to learn, to BE. I commit myself to do different, different to my usual mind-influenced patterns/ways of doing things as I’ve been accustomed to.

I commit myself not to desire friendship and such and so within this desire to participate within energy for sake of friendship. This is means of wanting company, of loneliness, of desire.


I commit myself to continue standing/learning/embracing life as myself as all that I ‘require’ to be here in life, though not to disregard/neglect others in any way, shape or form, but simply as to correct my starting point so that I can build relationships/friendships etc as something cool, as something beneficial for both involved/mutual, as enjoyment, as learning, education.