Tuesday, 18 July 2017

The switch to Steemit..

Hi all. If you have been following me here and wondering why I stopped blogging here, it is because I have been blogging on Steemit.
Steemit is a relatively new website for blogging/vlogging and I highly recommend it. It is very community based and very interactive. Plus, one can earn money through posts, upvoting, commenting etc. I highly suggest it, because it works well and has a nice interface etc.

You can continue reading my blog/following here - https://steemit.com/@anthonyfield

Thank you :)

Saturday, 24 June 2017

Day 699 - What is wrong with me?

I’m continuing from my last blog in a way in where I didn’t get a reply/nobody said anything to me and I’d immediately go into questioning myself and blaming myself for this as if I was the issue or I did something wrong or I said something wrong, basically just pointing fingers at myself and then going into self-judgment and depression, sadness, anger. Now I’m writing about it generally as per when another does something or doesn’t and it impacts ourselves in some way, shape or form, then the desire, still as I said, in blaming ourselves and believing we’re the issue/reason why another did/did not do something and how it affects us in some way, shape or form.

Why does it have to impact/affect us at all though? When we leave something in another’s hands, even to the smallest extent, then we can’t rely on it. Not speaking of having no trust in another or anything, but when we as ourselves aren’t in direct control, then we should be expecting this or that to happen and so things to suit or not suit us. That’s just how it is. I do my bit or my part, and that is it - I’ve reached my goal, my conclusion, I’m satisfied with this - anything that does/does not come afterwards in relation to others is THEIR decision.

And I must accept that it’s their decision. It’s their decision, and so it’s out of my hands, and so well yeah, lol it’s not in my hands and so how can I possibly blame myself or point fingers at me or go into any form of self-judgment and emotions/feelings that follow?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m responsible for every single decision that another makes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see, realise and understand that EACH make their OWN decisions and that is FINAL.

I see, realise and understand that if I genuinely say or do something that will affect one in a certain way that is NOT best for all, then I’ll know about it through stopping, breathing, realising - but in these instances where I just desire to go straight into self-questioning, self judgment, emotions, feelings - I am just looking for answers within myself, failing to understand that through simply stopping and breathing, I am able to see if what I did as my decision was NOT what was best for all.

I commit myself to accept and understand one’s decision, not necessarily understanding it totally, but understanding and accepting that this is their current decision for whatever reason, and so what they then do is out of my hands/control, though being satisfied within myself that my previous decision or decision in relation was what best best for all, and that is all that is required on my part/for myself, and another too.


Friday, 23 June 2017

Day 698 - No reply

I get angry, disappointed at another when I receive no reply. Why did they not reply, what did I say wrong, what did I do wrong, what’s wrong with me, so interesting how immediately I go into self-judgment and self-questioning as if it is something I did that is the issue, this is the workings of the mind where I simply see myself as being the issue and not considering that another, for whatever reason, I mean, evidently, has not replied to me and so well, you know, I can’t even begin to conclude as to why no reply was received. There are many factors. So here I require, firstly to stop this self-questioning and self-judgment and also to be understanding of another and leave it at that. I don’t know the reason for another not replying and that is it. I can’t also turn that into self-questioning/self-judgment, because that is weak, that is not looking for answers, that is just giving into a pattern within my mind of judging me.

I commit myself not to judge me or question me when I get no reply or no word from another about something.

I commit myself not to attack, blame another when I get no reply/word about something.

I commit myself to just leave it. I commit myself to see what has happened with the no reply or word and just stop, because it’s not in my hands anymore, it’s in another’s hands, and so I leave it alone, it is purely upon another as for the reasoning and so it’s never anything I’ve done even though my mind as me tells me otherwise which I participate within and as.

I commit myself not to partake in this desire as a program/pattern within my mind to ‘do the same’ to enact a revenge/same way of being treated as I see blindly through a pattern within my mind as if the lack of reply/word is another’s means of hurting me, judging me and wanting to return that same emotional pain ‘so they know it feels’.

I commit myself to always stand and stick to my principles as life as what is best for all, so that is to never go into this desire to blame, seek revenge or anything, which isn’t necessary in the first place, as it never matters why/what another does also, I am always in control of me and what I do and what it is I do and say must REMAIN HERE, despite how every single one around me may do or say or not say or do, that is to be then unbreakable and unshakeable as what is best for all.


Day 697 - When help and assistance isn’t a priority

In my previous working role, I didn’t have as many limitations as I do in my current working role. In fact, I didn’t have any limitations really in my previous role. This role has quite a lot of limitations. The roles have a lot of similarities which is why I bring them both up.

What it basically is..is that I use quite a few of the same systems as I did in my previous role. So I can see the same information, BUT, because of this particular role and what it entails, despite seeing this information that I know will assist another, I am refrained from saying it and so have to advise another to look elsewhere basically. I found this difficult at first. Because I mean, I want to help everyone the best I can and give the best answers etc. I’m beginning now to see that well yes, basically despite that information being available, it’s just the way that system works, so it shows everything no matter what.

In the broader picture of this though, it just goes to show how limiting and limited we are with ourselves and others. If this was a best for all system and that we had with each and every one, then we’d always take each opportunity to best assist ourselves and others at ALL times, but this system and things like job titles and groups and areas etc limit are potential to assist and support everyone to the best of our ability.

For me, of course I’ll do what is as the limitation, because that is what I’m required to do to efficiently do my job as per my title/the title of the role - I won’t compromise myself for the betterment of others - best for ALL includes myself. So this is ‘even’ as I can be as per the system. And until this system changes, limitation and the sacrifice of assistance and support will CONTINUE.


Saturday, 17 June 2017

Day 696 - More about the tv

After writing about my habit in turning on the tv for a lot of my life to feel comfortable, to feel at ease, when in reality I was not even concentrating on what was on tv, more like a background sound - I realised further that I have used it, again, as I use the word ‘comfort’ - that comfort as how I used this word was for aiding in my feeling of loneliness.

For example, I mean, basically any tv channel will have humans speaking in some form, so for me that aided in my feeling of loneliness. It aided in my shyness. It made me feel comfortable, like I was with others - I could hide my loneliness through the voices of humans, to find a voice, even though it was still not my own voice, but it worked to an extent for myself.

I see also this worked for the silent state. Because if there is no sound, then only silence exists - and yes that exacerbated my feeling of loneliness and being alone. So here I see I can work with silence effectively and change my relationship to silence. So that I do not require any type of sound to feel at ease/comfortable in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a tv/the sounds of humans speaking/sound generally to feel at ease/comfortable and to make me feel like I belong and to make me feel that I am not lonely and that I have no issue with interactions with others as per my shyness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is anything wrong with SILENCE, not a single sound, not a whimper - here I see, realise and understand that in these moments I’m actually more in touch with myself whereas my focus is 100% upon my physical state and I can express/enjoy a lot more in this state, so here is but one example of where I can work effectively with silence to embrace, express, enjoy and BE here.

I see, realise and understand that any loneliness feeling/sensation is purely but a pattern within myself as I do not in fact require to be with others or to interact with others to feel a sense of belonging - here I see, as I said, that this loneliness is but a pattern and a program that I’ve created within myself as an extension of my shyness and also a comparison with others who seemed to effortlessly interact with others and such.

I commit myself to always bring the focus back unto myself because if I am here, stable and clear, then the rest is simple. I will not have issue with interactions, I will not require interactions as a belief, I will not have issues with shyness and communications etc.

I see, realise and understand that I only require me to reach my utmost potential.

I commit myself to utilise myself as best to reach my utmost potential as the qualities that I know I can be and am currently working towards.


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Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Day 695 - Habit to turn on tv

This is a habit of mine. I come home from somewhere, perhaps have something to eat and turn on the tv. Actually, it’s more accurate to say I turn on the tv then do other stuff. Just having it on in the background even. Lol why have it on if I’m not actually using it? That is why I see it’s just a habit. Even generally, I just turn it on a lot. Not as much as I used to, but I still tend to - so basically I’m seeing that I’m reliant on a tv. But I could be doing other things. I could be watching certain things that are more beneficial for example. Or do something different entirely that my time can be better used for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a habit of using the tv to make me feel at ease/at peace/comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into automation whereas I just turn the tv on despite not even using the tv for it’s intended purpose as watching something or listening to something and simply just having it on in the background whilst I do other things, all because I’ve grown accustomed to the tv being on despite me not wanting to watch anything in particular, just the sound/visuals make me feel ‘at home’.

I commit myself to break this tv on always habit of mine and instead make sure I actually only turn the tv on if I’m going to watch something/listen to something that first of all I want to watch/listen to that I see is effective for myself.

I commit myself to explore other activities besides turning on the tv for watching/listening, within this, not to create more habits as being reliant/my go to things to do, but so I can see for myself that there are many things I can do and enjoy doing and learn from etc and I can utilise all of these for myself.

When and as I see myself desiring to turn the tv on despite knowing deep within myself that I don’t want it actually on and I’m not using it genuinely/self-honestly, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to find something to do that is effective for myself, yes it may be to watch or listen to something, but that is as always, a self-honest decision that I make in that moment - so herein I commit myself not to turn on the tv and first thus to investigate for myself what it is I want to do and then do it.


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Sunday, 11 June 2017

Day 694 - Struggling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear appearing as if I am struggling to do something to an extent and instead want to show others that I never struggle to do anything and in fact I do everything easily and effectively always.

I see, realise and understand that in life, there are some things that require a degree of struggling to get to the desired outcome.

I see, realise and understand that any would struggle in this circumstances and others as I also do, and so it’s a point of what I am working with that is the struggle, and so the solution is to get through the struggle-stage and to the desired outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to paint a picture of myself of perfection, of ease, of not being clumsy, of not exerting, of looking the same at all times, as nothing affecting me in any way, shape or form.

I commit myself to embrace the struggle and so within this, exert, express, show what it is I am doing and trying to do until I make it and get to there I want to be.

When and as I see myself desiring to go to a private location/a location where people I know can’t see me and my struggle/requirement to express/exert myself and within this change my facial expression and my body movements etc, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that things in life do require exertion, and expression, which is a necessity always, and within this, a struggle/pushing to get to the desired outcome, and so that is just how it is and what it is, and so I commit myself to embrace the struggle/pushing needed, I commit myself to embrace the exertion/expression that is within the struggle/pushing because it is simply what is required in the moment to get to my desired solution - there’s no way to bypass the struggle/push/exertion at all, so I commit myself to push and push myself in this situation wherever it may be.


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Day 693 - Passion

I’ve seen how passion can be misdirected. And for me I’ve lived passion within this misdirection and within an energy where I get ‘fired up’ and when I am in that trance so to speak, I’ll speak out about my opinion all day and every day. That is why I call this a misdirected or misplaced passion. It’s not about defending my opinion until death and speaking it and pushing it onto others because I am so fixated on it being right and here not stopping to consider any other opinion or perspective. I’m right, so I’m right type of thing.

For me also I still feel this passion come up within me when it’s a much talked about issue, a world issue, a killing issue etc, and for me yes, I see a lot differently to others, where I consider many aspects and dimensions of an event and so I’m more willing now to look into things, see why one may do something, what the motivation is, the reasoning and then there is how something began etc - so even though yes, my output is much more reasonable in that I’m actually considering multiple dimensions etc, there is this passion pattern within me when one says different and is speaking in a limited way and for example purely just pointing fingers and blaming in a one dimensional way of seeing an event.

I also see that ‘I mean well’ - but that is not enough. Meaning well is not being well. So where else does this passion stem from? When one is speaking one dimensionally and I am disagreeing and I am frustrated because that person is not seeing something from multiple dimensions and so is limited in reasoning and I want and wish they would be open to other reasoning and more dimensions of an event, so that is the pattern I’m looking at here when it comes to passion and being angry/frustrated/annoyed at one for looking too one dimensionally and same emotions come up when I want and wish them to look multi-dimensionally for reasoning purposes. Like I want them to see how I see something. But that cannot be - we’re each at a different stage in process, so my passion as anger/frustration won’t change their mind, so what I see is that I must understand this myself, and then once I’m stable I speak my perspectives as stability starting point and thus the chances of resonation in another magnify greatly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace and misdirect my passion into defending something and within this, defending for the reasoning/justification I have within myself of frustration/anger/annoyance that another is not seeing something from a multiple dimension stand point and only seeing something from a one dimensional stand point and so being frustrated that they are not considering other options/reasons to look more deeply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another to agree in totality with my own multiple dimension perspective as of reasoning to look deeper as to the reasoning of something happening and being frustrated/annoyed/angry when this does not happen and one has their own opinion that is limited and one dimensional in relation to something.

When and as I see myself in a conversation with another and a subject comes up where my perspective differs greatly from one’s opinion and I desire to defend and convince and make another see my way/be open to other dimensions and reasonings and then desiring to become frustrated, angry, annoyed when I cannot convince another, and here even frustrated/annoyed that they have this one dimensional opinion in the first place - I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that we are EACH walking a different process and at different STAGES in process, and so of course we will all have a different way of looking at something and I must accept this.

So I commit myself to accept everyone’s opinion and/or perspective and not react to it as taking it personally or judging them for apparently ‘not understanding or being open enough’ - as ‘meaning well’ is abusive, BEING WELL is to yes, have my perspective about this and that, share it, sure, but that sharing must be from a starting point of just that, to share, not to convince, not to defend, not to change - these are all forms of the mind as a source of my ego, my frustration, my anger, my annoyance and thus they must be stopped in the moment.

I commit myself to allow resonation as speaking my perspectives by remaining calm, patient, willing, open, accepting with another.

I commit myself to listen to another’s opinion/perspective and so hear/learn where they are at currently and accept that within myself as that being their current path/stop.

I commit myself to then speak my own perspective as per how I see something and speak it as necessary such as in parts or all at once dependent on the moment/who/where another is at and so as to make an understanding happen or a type of resonance in another through whatever means possible/necessary.

*Passion current definitions*

strong and barely controllable emotion.

a state or outburst of strong emotion.

intense sexual love.

an intense desire or enthusiasm for something.

a thing arousing great enthusiasm.

the suffering and death of Jesus.

an account of the Passion from any of the Gospels.

a musical setting of any of the biblical accounts of the Passion.

Passion redefinition

My ability to resonate something in another within and as stability as what is best for all as sharing unconditionally/openly to resonate as best as possible and to share as best as possible without delay or limitation.


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Friday, 9 June 2017

Day 692 - Writing it ALL down

I have to see, realise and understand that my expression first and foremost is what is needed. My expression in that current moment - that goes for anything and everything. If it’s anger, frustration, sadness, despair, depression. Writing is key. And no, it’s not to write it all down without a point or without an evolution. I write it all down to put it all infront of me where I can see where I’m currently at, emotions/feelings and all, and so I’m laying it all out. And within these writings/expressions, I come to realisations. That is the point of expression.

So thus there’s no hiding expression or painting a picture that I am not currently these emotions/feelings etc. I know what I am in an moment, so I Must express these, that is self-honesty. If I am self-honestly all this shit, then I write all this shit. I am one and equal to my expression/as my expression and so as all I do, and so as my writings. They are a reflection of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is an issue with writing ‘angry’ writings and/or basically writings within and as emotions/feelings, thoughts, whatever it may be.

I see, realise and understand that through these writings or any writings, I come to realisations. Plus I lay it all out for myself infront of me where I can see the words, I can see my reflection, my expression, my output as me in that moment, and so I come to solutions and that is vital. I see, realise and understand that if I am NOT self-honest and so paint a pretty picture instead without any of the mind shit within me, then I will not be able to reflect and find a solution and come to a realisation as per my expression of who I am in that moment.

So I commit myself to write ALL THE SHIT DOWN. All the shit. No skipping shit. No bypassing shit. Every single thing. Doesn’t matter if I am going from point to point. Where I am at is where I am at. My expression is my expression. My self-honesty is my self-honesty. SO I use then as my expression to then GET somewhere, a solution so that I assist myself not to go through these particular moments again. I commit myself to lay it all out so I get the best view to assist me further.


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Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Day 691 - Time given

How much time should I give/dedicate to what? Like, do I dedicate one amount of time to something, and then another amount of time to another thing - do I dedicate the same amount of time to each thing equally?

I could dedicate all of my time to one particular thing, but is that really beneficial, whatever that thing is, no. A balance is definitely, always vital. And no it doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t be exact amounts of time dedicated to each thing or activity. Because there are many dimensions to each activity/thing to do.

As always, it’s a point of self-honesty. Desteni process - that means writing, that means blogging, that means vlogging, that means DIP Pro assignments, that means Eqafe material, that means rating up other’s blogs/vlogs etc, that means sharing material on Facebook and others etc - there’s no reason for this not to be a daily activity. Not necessarily ALL of this everyday, but some, especially writing/blogging as per our self-change and sharing with others.

So I get home from work. Do I watch tv or write? The temptation and ‘want’ is to watch tv, but that want is shrouded within and as my mind as laziness, as excuse, as justification - things like that. Again, always, self-honesty. Maybe I DO require some rest in the form of lying down, and yes sure, some tv-watching whilst doing this can be fine, but it must be genuine. So here I breathe to slow myself down and see who or what is directing me in this moment, ME, or ME as MIND. Close in words..but much different in reality.


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Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Day 690 - All eyes on me

When I speak and no others are speaking and everyone’s eyes are on me, listening, watching. I’m still working on this point. Even generally. Not in a particular scenario or situation, just generally. Self-forgiveness I spoke to myself related to the practical stuff in yes, this is happening, with the attention/eyes being on me whilst this happens, but that is all it is, and I said that it is for connection purposes. Like, we connect through looking, through listening - that’s how we learn and understand.
But I want to go into more detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a deeper meaning to eyes being on me/people listening to me, when in reality it’s just a form of connection, of understanding, of learning, as I do with others.

I see, realise and understand that people watching me and having attention directed at me does not alter me in how I speak, how I act, there’s no need for any alterations from myself, the only difference is attention and the forms of eyes on me/ears listening and me speaking, moving, directing. So when and as I see myself in this position when I have attention directed at me in the form of eyes, ears and then I feel hesistant, nervous, scared, worried, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that these emotions come up within me because the situation is different from what I am used to in not being in this situation of attention being directed at me.

I see, realise and understand also it is my own self-judgment of myself in who/what I am as a person, where I believe I am a person that is generally quiet/reserved/not a leader/not a director and more of a backseat person, not one that takes initiative. I see, realise and understand that I’ve allowed these labels of who I believe myself to be, to define me even now, BUT, these labels are not me. I’ve just created them as me, they are but patterns and programs, but because they are patterns and programs, I can change them, I can remove them to be my utmost potential as life.

I commit myself to NOT be quiet, reserved, not a leader, not a director, because I see, realise and understand that being direct, a leader, vocal is very pronounced, people understand best this way, I understand best this way, I get my message across best this way, I take control this way, I take matters into my own hands this way, so I commit myself to work on this in these situations, where I will keep a consistent voice/vocal tone, I will not stutter, I will not ponder, I will not hold back within speaking/moving or generally when I want to speak, I will not shake as per being nervous/anxious.

I commit myself to strengthen myself as life and as my utmost potential through removing these patterns/programs of LIMITATION.

I commit myself to be a director of myself in each and every moment, where I don’t hold back, I don’t refrain, I don’t hesitate - I push forward, I speak up, I deliver strongly, a deliver with a resounding tone/delivery and I step up to the plate/podium and go for it.

I commit myself to be thorough in how I speak/move, and detailed.


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Monday, 5 June 2017

Day 689 - Moving myself as per myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move as per how another moves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another as my reference for how fast or slow I do something.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move as per my capabilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move faster because I wanted to keep up with another as if something was a race.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to prove something to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer the consequences of moving as per another’s movement/speed via a headache.

When and as I see another is moving faster/doing something faster and then within my mind I make the situation a game/competition/race, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that as long as I’m self-honest within and as my current capabilities, then I will move as necessary/as I can do. I commit myself to thus move as per my current capabilities because that is what I’m capable of, no more, no less, and trying to do more manifests physical consequences upon my body - and that is the reference point for not moving as per my physical self and instead moving as per another’s physical self.


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Saturday, 3 June 2017

Day 688 - Stimulation

encouragement of something to make it develop or become more active.
"the stimulation of a revolution in intelligence affairs"

the action of arousing interest, enthusiasm, or excitement in something.
"the child needs plenty of stimulation as bored hands can make mischief"

the raising of levels of physiological or nervous activity in the body or any biological system.
"stimulation of the vagus nerve slows heart rate"

Investigating stimulation

How do I understand stimulation? To stimulate is to arouse interest, enthusiasm, excitement. Interest and enthusiasm. These can come from external things, as a form of learning, understanding, growing, evolving. This can also be for enjoyment, to arouse enjoyment, that can be something practical, building, using. For building/using, what is the starting point? It can vary, it can be for practical purposes as creation and within that the enjoyment of physically moving and creating which is stimulation in itself. The stimulation comes from building/using, being creative, it goes hand in hand with the physical movement. Sort of like the bridge between building/using and the physical response upon building/doing. That is how I see stimulation.

With this form of stimulation, there’s no energy involved. It’s to do something creative for example, and enjoy the benefits, that being the stimulation of creation, of moving, of building, and of enjoyment, of doing - no energy involved. Physical stimulation.

I commit myself to utilise stimulation as my physical response to something that I am doing in which I enjoy doing because it is creative, it is a physical movement, it is beneficial, it is a source of learning/growing/evolving.


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Friday, 2 June 2017

Day 687 - Overcoming a challenge

Why does a challenge exist in the first place? It’s based on the happenings within our mind’s. Why else do we find something challenging? So just the thought of facing something can be a challenge according to us. This is when it’s important to investigate what points come up in relation to this thing we want to face to see why we find it a challenge. Because if we do not investigate these points in relation to something we want to face and that we find to be a challenge, then our chances of facing this thing are either none or very slim, and even if we do face this thing to an extent, the chances of failure are THAT much higher, PURELY down to the challenge towards the thing we are facing within our mind’s.

Yes, it’s so much easier to walk away instead of facing something, but shit, facing it, overcoming it, showing ourselves what we’re made of, what we’re capable of, what our potential is - is the most fulfilling thing EVER. It’s next level. It’s to use the key to unlock ourselves from within and then to unleash our potential for success.

I’ve surprised myself so many times within my process of what I’m ACTUALLY capable of. It’s astounding. And I’m still doing it. And the more times we break the resistance and minus the challenge, the easier it becomes, not only for that particular point, but for points to come where a challenge may exist. Once we prove to ourselves what we can accomplish, we make it THAT much easier to succeed and to push forward through EVERYTHING.


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Thursday, 1 June 2017

Day 686 - Less time thinking, more time writing

Throughout today I’ve been thinking what to write, which isn’t the way to do it. I even sat down at my computer a few times. I DID write about some points actually, but did not publish them, why, because I judged them negatively…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my output in any way, shape or form as less than the previous output or not as good as a ‘standard’ I have which is a belief of mine that is limiting, because self-honesty doesn’t require a standard, it just requires WILLINGNESS which then turns into words as my physical output, thus can be published simply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘standard’ that I have to reach in my writing that suits my expectations within my mind of how I’d like my blog to be and how to be read etc.

I see, realise and understand that self-honesty tells a story, and self-honesty is ALWAYS effective as the words and as living principle.

Thus I commit myself to continue being self-honest as my principle and thus as my output and extension of all that I do, say - there I can have no issue about what it is I do, because the starting point was self-honest.


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Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Day 685 - Equality and Oneness as me

Equality and Oneness as principles are me. They are not external, they are not something to the side, they are not something I follow - they must be something I LIVE. In my very essence, in all that I do, all that I say, all that I act and act upon - put simply, in ALL and EVERYTHING.

I see that the resistance to doing so in my utmost, is compromise. Equality and Oneness isn’t a standard, which obviously we all know, otherwise we’d be living completely differently and acting completely differently towards one another. Apart from my job, a career, a source of income, nothing else is a compromise. For example, here I see if individuals dislike this about me, then that is fine, but if it’s an individual, like a boss of mine at work or similar, then that is an issue. Though, what I’ve seen in the past relating to this same point is a fear of even showing a glimpse of Equality and Oneness as me.

The starting point can NEVER be fear. So I must investigate the point to remove the fear and then act logically/as necessary, whether that means divulging a great amount of detail as Equality and Oneness or little or however much the amount may be at the appropriate times. There are, as always in everything, many factors involved that we must consider to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see Equality and Oneness and the principles therefore that underlie Equality and Oneness as to ‘out there’ - as too ‘wild’ - as too ‘crazy’ - as too ‘different’.

I see, realise and understand that how I STAND as Equality and Oneness principles is vital in sending a message to another, vital to showing what and who I am and what is necessary for all, for the world - I see, realise and understand that fear as my starting point here limits my expression of necessity as myself, as what is best for all, as a proposal of change of not only myself, but another, because all it takes is a spark, a light bulb flicker to resonate in another for another to change themselves.

I do see, realise and understand that I’ve still been under this fear cloud/direction and starting point as to my expression as Equality and Oneness and I’ve been doing moreso as expression of this when I see I am ‘safer’ - in the sense of doing it strictly online and so not so much/at all within physical interactions because of the fear I have of sharing Equality and Oneness as myself and so unto another.

I see, realise and understand that it’s never to go full into Equality and Oneness as myself/as sharing to another at the start/when opening up the points - it’s about sharing some here and there and to gauge a response and understanding based on the reply/actions of another. So here I see that I am not then steering clear of Equality Oneness as principles as myself and as fear, but am sharing segments here and there and when appropriate, because each one’s mind works differently and so it must be taken on an individual level.

But I do see, realise and understand that my willingness and openness in sharing, in living, in speaking, in acting as Equality and Oneness principles can be greatly improved and it will be greatly improved through removing this fear of Equality and Oneness principles as fearing what one will think of them and how one will react and respond to these principles.

I commit myself to be open about Equality and Oneness principles in ALL formats of mine, that being online, in person, at work - with no limitation as FEAR directing me and me acting upon therefore.

I see, realise and understand that there is NO TIME TO LOSE in living the principles of Equality and Oneness as myself, as expression, as sharing, as openness, because it’s up to me, just as it is all of us, to make the light bulb flicker to resonate, and if I don’t do this, then I miss out on an opportunity, as does another, because each want and require this self-change as what is best for all whether they know it now or later, so it’s to plant a seed in one, this is vital and this is what I can do and this is what I will do as what is best for all.


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Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Day 684 - Desteni hate

What does a Desteni hate article, website etc get out of doing so? From what I’ve read and seen in Desteni hate websites etc, the information is misleading, why, because it’s untrue, it’s false, it’s not fact, it is not backed up by evidence, by anything legitimate. So why create websites, articles in which obviously the writer has failed to investigate the material/facts, yet is writing based on from what I’ve seen at times, half-read information, or basically also forming an article based on some read information and then ideas within the writer - so these ideas, fear would be the one that stands out to me, a fear of Desteni.

People do the same though, myself included. Lol, I remember initially, even the fact that there were something like 5 Desteni hate websites to the 1 of course actual legit Desteni website, alarm bells were ringing for me and I was scared, fearful, even then I thought “Okay, this must be fake then (the Desteni legit website) and the Desteni hate material must be legit.” And I didn’t even go to these websites. But amazing how I form a conclusion or idea based on something like amounts that exist, whereas the stronger amount was the hate articles and the weaker amount was the actual Desteni website lol.

At later times, and within the same time period though, I’d check out more into these hate websites and articles and absolutely, I would fall for it. It was written well, so it must be true, right? Wrong. They seemed like they knew what they were talking about so it must be true? Nope. None of these reasons were legitimate. So what if something is well written, well structured, well formed? So what if they seemed like they knew what they were talking about, that comes down to trickery and proper wording again, structure etc - one that has written a lot before can convince easily, they can suck people in with HOW they write something, even if what is stated is far from the truth, that is what I fell for too.

I urge you all not to fall for these hate sites. They are many, but don’t let that fool you, they may be well written, but don’t let that fool you. It’s so easy to lie with words. People take on fake personalities etc online all the time. Like that Catfish tv show, where they can fool people for years, pretending they are one person, when in reality of course they are themselves lol. It’s so easy to lie, to manipulate, to mislead. I haven’t seen a SINGLE OUNCE of this within Desteni material. I’ve questioned a lot of things, and I’ve got more than appropriate answers and feedback - not only that, but extremely detailed, backed up by evidence, backed up with links, articles, materials. Yes, not EVERY SINGLE THING can be proven in an online capacity, but that is to be expected. What I know is that everything I’ve questioned has been answered and I’ve realised then. I made sense of it, because it made sense lol. And a lot of my questioning was also down to my own fears, doubts, concerns, worries, in which I failed to investigate myself.

Don’t be so quick to conclude. Be OPEN. Be willing. Be understanding. Be trying.


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Monday, 29 May 2017

Day 683 - The chain reaction

What I find fascinating is that we’re responsible in part, in another’s reaction. Yes, though at the core, we’re each responsible for everything that comes up within us, every thought and so on, but what I mean here is that another can inflict or create or add something into another in which that person then becomes possessed by, either through what another did/said etc, and also that can be a culmination of that incident and others and/or that incident + self’s own problems - there are lots of equations, but here is an example..

If I’m an inconsiderate driver. Or even if I’m a considerate driver/safe driver, but in an instance, only one, I cut someone off, that can obviously cause anger to come up within another in which they follow and yes they allow themselves to be directed by, but see what I mean in how every action we take can affect another in SOME WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. This is very important to REMEMBER ALWAYS. That is why I see it so vital to always be what is best for all, so that we can PREVENT, at least from our own doing, what may/may not happen within another.

So back to that example, so that person gets angry, pissed off, shouts at me, then they could get a headache, sweat, that can then affect their own driving which is also dangerous, then this chain reaction/cycle can occur. And then or within this anger/as it happened, they could receive a phone call and their tone will be angry and they could hang up the phone because of their anger. OKAY, so this is just possibilities in this ONE moment. What about later, when that person gets home, because this one incident, maybe nothing or small to us, can be really fucking annoying and piss another off for a long duration.

So they get home and remember this incident and are still inflicted by it. And it shows in their communications with the family/what they do when they cook etc. And this can stay in the memory forever unless of course it is removed through self-forgiveness/realisations/commitment statements. And at another point, because of the accumulation of this incident and others, or maybe not also other incidents, that person could then hurt someone or something somehow. Do you know what I’m saying though?

What we do shapes others, even if we don’t think so at the time or don’t think so because it does not affect us at all. I want to reiterate that yes we are each responsible for what comes up within us and how we participate and what we allow to direct us, that is self-responsibility and self-honesty, but we can still cause grief, pain, suffering, anguish etc onto others through apparent small or meaningless incidents. Remember this for the benefit of others!


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Thursday, 25 May 2017

Day 682 - Getting shit done

Getting shit done is comforting. A sense of accomplishment for sure. I got home from work and did quite a few things that previously I may not have done (this is an issue) - anyway I’ll return to that soon…but getting these things done one by one effectively and efficiently is great. Making strides/progress through my own physical actions and movement. Just as I’m doing now with writing. As I mentioned, generally I only do these things effectively/efficiently here and there as opposed to consistently.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do things I need to do consistently in my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the results I achieve through this consistency of practical application/movement in changing something/myself for the best result possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not being consistent and not doing the practical stuff I need to do in totality and instead just doing bits here and there as a type of shortcut through my justifications.

I see, realise and understand that any shortcuts I desire to take are just justifications and/or excuses that I KNOW within myself self-honestly do not benefit me whatsoever, because the result is not the best, the effort is not the best, and later it only means more work for me to do, so I see that the consistency benefits me in every way, shape and form, as opposed to bits here and there as shortcuts which just culminate in more time needed where I can be doing other things I want to do.

I commit myself to be effective with the things I need to do by seeing what must be done and doing it ONE BY ONE, as opposed to in my mind, just seeing all the shit I have to do and not wanting to do it or doing it here and there. I see, realise and understand that when I put my best into Doing 1 thing at a time, that thing gets done the most effectively. I commit myself to do 1 thing and then move onto the next thing for the most impact as what is best.


Saturday, 20 May 2017

Day 681 - Ruthless

Okay, so the definition of this word is “having or showing no pity or compassion for others.” Example: "a ruthless manipulator".
So in this definition, I mean, it’s not so cool is it? It’s not what is best for all. It’s not kind, beneficial or appropriate. But I’ve seen AT TIMES, not this definition exactly, but this word came to mind, to be ruthless. For example, when I am driving and I’m waiting for the time when I can go into that lane or turn into that road. SOME roads are just constantly busy lol. So there’s never EXACTLY an appropriate time to go into that road/lane. But if I don’t go at some point, then I literally never go, so that doesn’t assist anyone.

And so as per the level of business/amount of cars and it not changing enough for when I’d ‘usually’ go into that lane/road, I have to compromise and just go into it when I see I ‘can’. This is where this word came up for me. Not just here, but this is an example. Even getting on trains. At some points, well peak hour times, everyone is rushing to get on the train to go home. You see people pushing against eachother to secure either a seat or just a standing position on that train. Before I would basically hang back and just sort of hope there’s space left lol, which isn’t always the case. Here the thing is usually there is a train soon after that I can easily get on because everyone crammed to get onto that train earlier. So that is fine. But I’ve at times, not done this, but been more ‘forward’ in actually getting on the train. So holding my ground type-thing.

So these are some examples where you may see why this word “Ruthless” came up within me. Sometimes you know, you have to play the game that exists, even though, and in an ideal world/society, I wouldn’t have to, but here, at times I do, like each of us.

So another word I can use here is INVOLVED. Lol, to be more involved in what is occurring so I can secure a place on the train or my place in that lane/road. Otherwise I wait forever literally or wait too long for no reason.

I commit myself to get myself INVOLVED in scenarios whereas I see that I do have to at times play the game/by the rules of society/the mind so as to get what I require/need, as all do.

I commit myself not to fear involvement as being insincere/cruel/mean/harsh, realising here that this is not my starting point and I’m not literally doing this as pushing others or causing a road accident - it’s just the way the state of play is and so I have to abide to it to an extent to participate.

When and as I see myself fearing to get myself INVOLVED, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that involvement does not have to be mean, tough, harsh etc - it can be to be, to participate effectively, to benefit, which I’ve seen at times is a necessity to function effectively in society and the world as it currently sits.


Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Day 680 - Thought, word and deed

I initially had reservations and a sense of confusion about what this statement meant. I mean, let me rephrase..I initially had reservations and a sense of confusion about what this statement meant in the CONTEXT of the physical. What I mean by this is after and/or AS we are removing the patterns/programs we participate in as the mind. Because the thing is, to not be of the mind, is to not be of THOUGHT. So how could one live/be what is best for all in thought, word and deed when the ‘thought’ part equates already/as the mind?

This was my question, my confusion, my resistance, my reservation, because it didn’t add up to me and seemed like a contradiction thus whenever I’d see/hear “Being the best we can be in thought, word and deed.” - what I learnt is that this is simply a STEP in the JOURNEY to the physical. So, at start, we have thoughts and they are charged with energy, charged with anger, charged with hate, with joy, with happiness, with judgment etc. What’s the next step? It is the best we can be in thought, word and deed - how so?

Because after we stop our participation in these energy charged thoughts, we’ll PRACTICE and begin IMPLEMENTING our self-forgiveness etc in real time moments. Whereas the thought comes up to perhaps do something or have a thought about something, but in that moment, we breathe, we slow down, and we make sure that thought is free from energy associated in any way, shape or form. A practical thought as one assisted me to see, realise and understand with clarification. A practical thought as to do something, a task, and to then perform the necessary action in real time and the physical.

Because, and what I was missing, not seeing, realising and understanding was that this PROCESS happens in STEPS or STAGES. And how I see these steps/stages is dependent purely upon my AWARENESS. So I see I haven’t been so aware of my process of change, which is another reason this thought, word and deed as what is best for all statement did not make sense to me. Not only that, what I realised after is we are ALL and EACH at totally different stages of process. Lol, for example, obviously, the articles, the interviews - the materials generally are obviously NOT just for myself and my process and where I’m personally at - same with everyone. It’s a very broad spectrum with people possibly having no prior understanding of the Desteni material. What is best for ALL after all. Not what is best for me or one lol.

Anyway, going back a bit, with the step/stage that involves removing the energy association of the thought - then implementing this in real time moments/the physical, then we practice with having practical thoughts. What I did not see as my lack of awareness, was that I was not simply going from thoughts to no thoughts. I was in fact going from energy-associated thoughts, to practical thoughts, to physical movement (without thoughts). Physical movement without thoughts is to mean that we’re beyond that particular programming/pattern and thus we move in a moment as per what is required of us. To take out the rubbish, to clean the house, to go shopping, to play a sport, to do an assignment.

I’m very thankful for this assistance/clarification I have received generally and obviously regarding this particular point - all available within the Desteni I Process which will change your life, guaranteed - check it out!

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Monday, 15 May 2017

Day 679 - Gaming and Reality (Part 1) - Life Review follow up

When I saw that this interview was available for purchase, I was immediately interested, being a gamer myself, both now and when I was younger. It is a great interview with detailed explanations/sharing of why we become so dependent on video games, why people of all ages do. The interview also goes into how we can make sure gaming is in our lives as something that supports, something where we can use BALANCE. Highly recommended.

It is said in the interview to investigate our own relationship to gaming and also, to highlight words where gaming supports us in our lives.

Actually, what I notice when I was a kid and I first got a Super Nintendo console, I mean, lol I just remember playing it heaps. I really enjoyed it. Had plenty of different games, but man, games were tough then! In terms of the skill level required, but still fun…but also frustrating lol. I actually remember getting very annoyed a lot of the time because I would keep dying (my character). In terms of how it affected my social life/life outside of gaming, it didn’t actually. I mean, I did play quite a lot. Like after school I’d have something to eat, then play.

The issue that I see then was that it was almost ALL I did lol. Which you’d think would mean it did have an effect on my social life, but no, because the thing was that I’d still hang out with friends a lot, whether I went to their house or they came over to mine, for sleepovers etc, the thing is though, we’d spend the whole time gaming haha. So a lot of my life was gaming. It was like school, gaming, and social gaming. I definitely did enjoy overcoming challenges in the games. Even though as I said, I allowed them to get the best of me in terms of my emotions/feelings.

But looking back, it’d definitely be best to not game as much and be open to doing a greater variety of activities with myself and my friends.
Moving forward to now, I own a Playstation 4. Haven’t had it for that long actually. And I do play quite often. What I enjoy about gaming is how interactive it is. Watching a movie/something is cool too, no doubt, but watching AND manipulating a character on screen/what is happening is something I enjoy. Even though for example the story is already set (a lot of the time anyway) and I’m just moving an avatar around, I enjoy a well developed story and detailed world with many places to explore and things to do.

Now though, my relationship to gaming is much healthier. I enjoy it yes, but I do many other things too, I do enjoy hanging out with others, usually actually elsewhere from home, listening to music, watching things, learning, sport etc.

For me, gaming supports me through enjoyment, learning, growing, understanding, overcoming challenges, not giving up. So now, when a challenge comes up (despite a lot of games these days not being as difficult as back then) can still be challenging, I stop, I breathe, and I retry, and/or I’ll stop playing, do something else and next time I’ll pick it up again and have a turn. So it teaches me patience, consistency, to fight (never give up/give in).

I’ve created a balance within and as gaming and within and as my general life and other activities I do.



Friday, 12 May 2017

Day 678 - If it ain’t broke

Don’t fix it, right? Right lol. I’ve seen where I as the mind can come into play in a big way relating to this saying. For example, well yes, something is working as needed. No issues, none visible, no aural issues, whatever, and yet…there’s still this WANT to change it, to change how it functions or operates, change some settings for example. This can be in relation to anything, such as our human physical bodies too. Why can I not be satisfied with FUNCTION that is well, functioning as desired, as necessary, as needed? It is SELF-DOUBT as my mind. Doubting myself. Even though there’s nothing literal or substantial or actual to point in any way whatsoever to or as doubt in any way, shape or form.

Doubt doesn’t exist in reality. Why do we doubt things? We’re unsure. We’re worried. We’re scared. There should exist NO doubt whatsoever. Because proper and actual investigation into something shows us. So, back to my original point, it either works or doesn’t work. Sure, it can be expanded on or improved, but that is DIFFERENT to DOUBTING what exists and functions as per usual/needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be under the illusion of DOUBT, realising here that DOUBT only exists because I’ve not investigated and/or am not AWARE of the REALITY of a situation where I can definitely see what exists and does not exist and so I then can act upon something dependent on my investigation and/or what exists/does not exist - and so this ‘lingering’ doubt or doubts are fruitless and in no way substantial, because in reality if something is fucked up, then I’ll act upon it and fix it or improve it or change it. There is NO reason to ‘change’ something that is working well, that I see is working as best for all in a moment - this I see is a waste of my time.

When and as I see myself desiring to doubt things that are clear, that are working, that are functional, that I’ve investigated and know do not need a second glance as to ‘double check’ or ‘investigate’ further, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that if something is not working as per expected or necessary, I will act upon it and change, because why would I not? It’s not a complicated or complex method or thing to act upon. I see a need for change, and I change it therefore. There’s no lingering, there’s no in-between, I change it or I do not change it. So I commit myself to change what has to be changed. I commit myself NOT to change what does NOT need to be changed. I commit myself to ACCEPT what does NOT need to be changed.


Thursday, 11 May 2017

Day 677 - An unequal response

I have not been responding to each one equally. And I’ve seen that this is because of the relationship type that I have with one vs the other. So, as you probably guessed, if I am ‘closer’ to one compared to one who I am not as close/so close with, I respond differently. In a particular instance, I was not as willing to assist/support, or at least respond, and this above is the reason that I now see. Having said this, on this occasion, I knew that it was best to respond/assist, but I didn’t..and the thing is, the moment goes fast. So if I had breathed for example in the moment and replied/said something, then cool, success, but I didn’t, and so the moment passed. I’ve noticed this a lot actually, just generally, these moments pass quickly, so one has to be fast and act fast as breath to best act in moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationship-type/bond-type as the reasoning for responding to one or not and how I respond or not.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that of course my relationship/bond with each will be different. There are so many factors involved. And thus to act upon that will always equate to/as separation as not treating each the exact same and not assisting/supporting and here, responding to each the exact same - just as I’d like to be treated and responded to and supported/assisted as/by.

When and as I see myself believing that I can’t act fast enough in moments, as breath, to act upon/act as what is best for all, I stop and breathe. I do see, realise and understand that all I can do is TRY here, and of course if I require more breathing and/or self-forgiveness which calls for a longer period of time, but the moment comes and goes like that and fast, then I just correct myself then/later so that this does not happen again, but if I can act and do it all in the moment, then I do. Within this, I commit myself not to judge myself for not being fast enough on my feet so to speak, in acting/responding as what is best for all in each moment - it depends on firstly how effective my breathing is/self-forgiveness is and where I am at of course in relation to the point.

I commit myself to do my best to respond as what is best for all and act as what is best for all in every single moment through my tools of breath, self-forgiveness, self-realisation and self-commitment statements.

I commit myself to support, assist and respond to all the exact same way without limitation or barriers.


Sunday, 7 May 2017

Day 676 - Sticking to a plan

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay things I plan to do with nothing but EXCUSES and JUSTIFICATIONS in not doing that thing I planned to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to through breath, understand within myself whether thus there is something that is stopping me from doing what I planned, or if there is something I’d ‘rather’ do in the sense that I did not consider it at the time of planning for example.

I commit myself to PLAN within REASON so that I see that I won’t come to this situation whereas something else comes up/is more important/that I’d rather do - within this I see, realise and understand that there’s no reason for me not to consider ALL these factors so that I WILL stick to the plan.

So I commit myself to consider all things before I plan to make the plan happen.


Friday, 5 May 2017

Day 675 - Finishing what I start

Here I am talking about more fast-type things to finish. Basically what I realised within myself is that I’ve been starting something, but then going to start on something else – but the consequence of this is then I realise that I forgot that initial thing I started and I’ll only realise this later on when I should have and was meant to do it all in that one moment. So here I see the reason I wanted to go from this, to this, then to that as my method of doing the overall job faster, but only left me falling behind because I was trying to do TOO MUCH and got lost in it all. So definitely I see here how if I focus on one thing at a time and wait until completion before moving onto the other thing, then I won’t be ‘forgetting’ based on wanting to do too much and wanting to do it very fast and believing I am saving time this way, when I am not.

That’s why I mentioned moreso ‘faster’ type movements/methods/activities to do. Because something like an art piece, you know, drawing some detailed image for example, that could very well take months for instance. Lol so not saying I’d then do that until completion and NOT do anything else because that is the first thing I focused on/started on, so I must finish it and NOT do any other task – no, not saying that ha. But these tasks, the one’s I’m talking about that are quite quick generally to finish, I see them best to see them through until the end before moving on. So to be patient with it because in the end, a lot of the time it saves me being more behind in what I do and forgetting/being confused or lost.

I commit myself to finish what I start before moving on to the next thing to do.

I commit myself not to do TOO MUCH whereas I then end up getting lost in it all and ‘confused’ as to what I then have done or not.

I commit myself to exude patience within myself whereas I just wait for a moment or 2 for that task to finish before moving onto the next task – this way I am actually more efficient because I know I’m not leaving certain tasks unfinished based on me constantly changing to other tasks in belief that this is making me do the overall job faster.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do too much at once.

When and as I see myself desiring to move onto another task BEFORE that task has finished, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that I know where this path will lead me, and that is into a state of juggling too much and then getting lost/forgetting as trying to do too much in the moment as opposed to just being that bit more patient to see something through before continuing to the next task and this way I see each moment through to completion and know I’ve efficiently and successfully completed the overall goal in the moment.


Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Day 674 - Living consistency part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack consistency as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my change as what is best for all because I allow inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that every moment is the opportunity to be consistent and to wait until the next moment is to step backwards as my self-change as well as self-honesty, instead of stepping forwards in life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that inconsistencies WILL and HAVE BEEN and ARE taking negative tolls on me, on my change, on my physical body as manifestations as sicknesses, as pains, as weaknesses.

I commit myself to allow myself to use consistency within every single moment.

I commit myself to be and live consistency through lots of breathing, through lots of slow down, through lots of pausing, through lots of self-forgiveness/self-realisations/self-commitment statements in the moment and as the written word.

I commit myself to in these moments of fear and such, to identify it as awareness and as the program that it is, and to in this instance, KNOW that stepping back here will not assist me and will only fuck me over in every way, shape and form – thus it’s not worth even CONSIDERING stepping backwards and not stepping forwards as change, self-change, as honesty, self-honesty – there’s nothing to consider, because there’s only one way to move and that is forward – forward through all the bullshit, all the difficult shit, all the patterns, all the programs, all the lies, all the manipulation, into a being that is one and equal with all life here.

I commit myself to live a simple equation that breath = consistency – as I have seen myself that breath is the resolution at ALL TIMES, no matter how difficult the circumstances and scenario. And I am capable of breath and breathing as long as I am alive, thus no excuses or justifications apply. I commit myself to use being alive as the simple answer to be consistent within my life and as self-change and self-honesty as what is best for all.

Monday, 1 May 2017

Day 673 - Living consistency

With one fear in particular, I have been writing about consistency and how I can be more consistent in working my way past this fear. Thus far I can see that I’ve been up and down with it, where the ups are like the times where I breathe, I might say aloud self-forgiveness here and there (at various moments when the fear arises, but others not – inconsistency). But that is not nearly enough. I must train my body to not go into the fear. So it won’t help me from what I’ve seen and read/heard etc in others’ blogs.

Basically, if I keep going up and down, where I remain stable and then I go into the fear, then, that’s not training my body to REMAIN as the up, as the stability, it’s training my body to go up and down and that is exactly what I’ve seen in relation to this fear. I know it’s going to be difficult and it has been. There are reasons why I’ve been up and down in this cycle as opposed to being up as a stable individual consistently. As I said, I haven’t been consistently saying aloud or within myself, self-forgiveness in moments. Breathing and self-forgiveness in moments is vital. And I see no reason at all why, if I breathe and/or self-forgive in each and EVERY moment during this fear onsetting in any way, shape or form, that I won’t be able to overcome this point and train my body to not go into this fear and train my body to remain stable within this point and generally and within any other points.

It’s literally a win/win situation to be consistent with my breath and self-forgiveness. Not a single loss about it. So this means to be consistent no matter the location, no matter the company, whatever. Because obviously I won’t always be ‘alone’ so to speak or in an environment where I can sound aloud self-forgiveness based on compromise, distraction.

So I’ll be writing more about consistency and living it specifically in relation to this fear and report back on how I go with it. Already today I made great strides with this fear. At work etc, yes as I said, the fear comes up, that will keep happening, but I didn’t go into it and ACT UPON IT basically as allowing the fear to direct me. Though I can work a lot, again as consistency and training myself, to for example, when the fear comes up, it only remains for a second and then I bring myself back, whereas now it might ‘hang around’ for a few minutes. So I’ll work on this, on living consistency, using my breath alwayssssssssss, and using my self-forgiveness/self-realisations/self-commitment statements in moments of course as well as through writing, again, alwaysss lol.

Friday, 21 April 2017

Day 672 - Concept of time

I have been starting work earlier than usual/the earliest I have ever started work – on a consistent level at least (a week thus far). The first day I struggled in the morning, I was feeling very tired, struggled to get myself together/ready etc to leave my house to go to work. But the night before this, I was REALLY lol..like, all I was thinking was “Uhh, waking up at 4 am, what a draaaaaag, this is gonna fucking suck!” And obviously that really did not assist when I then needed to wake up practically. So these thoughts that I allowed to come up within me, I allowed them also to take a toll upon me physically where I just was not looking forward to waking up at all so early and when I did, it was an accumulation of the thoughts from the night before – whereas, as I realised the night after, when I don’t have these thoughts about waking up early and it’s going to be a drag and suck etc, I wake up feeling fine, not tired, ready to start my day.

So this second morning as I said, I felt ready to start my day because I was not tired, I was not dreary etc. And what I found funny was that also because I wasn’t concerned with the time at all, I didn’t even REALISE it was 4 am/4:30 am etc as I was also getting ready/eating etc. It could have been 10 am, as I was feeling refreshed etc, so it was very cool and here is just another example of how the thoughts can affect. So my thoughts and worries of struggling to wake up/feeling tired/waking up so early etc as well as thinking about the time specifically as if it was a ‘weird’ time to wake up or an unpleasant time..or simply a time where all should be sleeping lol – I saw it very interesting that these thoughts/concerns within my mind just had no meaning anymore.

And the rest of the week was the same. Didn’t matter what the time was, and it doesn’t matter what the time is, it only matters about my starting point/what I do/who/what I am. And yes I see that goes hand in hand with the thinking pattern of struggling to wake up/believing I’ll be tired too. Time is just time. Just as age is just age. Numbers are just numbers lol, but if we define them by/as something else, then we’ll struggle, that’s what I’ve realised here and generally within my process.