Tuesday, 21 February 2017

Day 649 - Complaining

Complaining is to not take self-responsibility. Whether it’s complaining about things that don’t go one’s way, about the traffic, about someone, about how one feels etc. I’ve seen this within myself, but my excuse was that I was doing it as joking, as sarcasm. But I also saw that this is not so, because it CONTINUED. Maybe a joke/sarcasm once or twice, but if it keeps happening, then there is a deeper meaning in how I see it. Meaning, an actual underlying form of complaining, thus not taking self-responsibility for events and such.

This is an issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my complaining.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for the events that happen in my life/what I do/who I’m with so that I do not find reasons to complain as excuses/justifications to do so.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is okay to complain if it is a joke/sarcasm, when in reality this constant apparent joking/sarcasm is actually showing me that this is a form of complaining because I can’t let it go or move on from it, it is a constant lingering within myself.

When and as I see myself desiring to complain in any way, shape or form, even if it is apparently jokingly/as sarcasm, I stop and breathe.  I realise that any prolonged ‘joking’ or ‘sarcasm’ is underlying complaining. So I commit myself to be aware of this, even when desiring to say something for the first time, to make sure I am clear in what it is I am doing/saying and of course that I don’t repeat it/say it in another way, otherwise I know I am not taking self-responsibility and in fact allowing events/others/myself to affect me negatively.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that complaining is a form of blame/pointing fingers, instead of taking self-responsibility for my own actions in something/as the result of something.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I can ALWAYS take self-responsibility for everything that happens to myself, to others, in the world, because it is what I’ve accepted and allowed to happen within my life in failing to change myself and be an example towards others.

Monday, 20 February 2017

Day 648 - Accepting sickness

Over the weekend I got sick. Most likely when I went out and I was feeling quite cold, coupled with some friction and such with another. Anyway, despite this, I had acted like everything was fine with me. So here there is this belief within me that because I’ve walked myself out of my mind (to an extent) that I should NOT be getting as sick or even sick at all lol, which is untrue.

As I mentioned earlier, and what I’ve come to realise is sickness can be a combination or one of..or something, of either physical effects (weather/me not preparing enough for said weather) and/or mind points such as anger, being nervous, worrying, stressing, suppressing etc. I do still get sick. And what I should NOT do is attempt to suppress the sickness. The faster I accept it, the faster I can basically allow it to take its toll/do it’s thing, and in the mean time I do what I can to heal my body effectively, through eating healthy, through rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I won’t/do not get as sick now that I’ve walked through many mind points, failing to see, realise and understand that I am not ‘there’ yet as walking through EVERY SINGLE MIND POINT and thus they definitely still effect me, though I can obviously change this through breath in the moment/self-forgiveness when necessary, and through general physical effects such as weather in which I must prepare myself, so within these both, I commit myself to utilise my breath effectively/self-forgiveness effectively as well as preparing for any weather, preparing VERY EFFECTIVELY for any weather here because I definitely rather ‘over prepare’ in a way as opposed to getting sick in any way, shape or form.

I commit myself to accept my sickness so that I can understand that it is here with me for me to then begin the process of healing effectively/without suppressing the sickness in which it’ll take longer for me to heal my body because I am in DENIAL.

Saturday, 18 February 2017

Day 647 - Late/early nights

This is rather basic/simple/straightforward. There was an event on in the city last night that I went to. The event ran from 7 pm – 7 am, or something like that. I did not attend for all of that time, was from about 10 pm – 1:30 am. I had not been out/doing things this late/early for a long time, and I saw how it really impacted me. This is simply not beneficial at all to my body. Even at about 11:30 pm, I was really feeling it, I was very tired, so you can imagine how much more tired I was feeling at 12:30/1:30 pm!

Anyway, what I’ve seen and realised is that I see no point in continuing this or doing this again. When it’s time to rest/sleep, then it’s time to rest/sleep, that is it. Nice and simple. Prolonging that being awake/moving is going to be detrimental to myself, absolutely. I don’t see that the event/anything can be ‘worth it enough’ for detriment of my body. This is the body I Require for EVERYTHING lol, so no, I see no ‘trade-off’ where at times it’s ‘fine’ to let my body down/put it through shit for sake of something/someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s fine to put my body in harm’s way if the trade-off is as in this example, a ‘one-off’ – though within this I don’t see any event/thing/person as a suitable trade-off for detriment of my own body which is the most important thing to me as it’s the very thing I require to be here, to do ANYTHING here.

When and as I see that there is an event that I’ve been invited to/that I want to go to and it is at/will go to very late/early hours of the night, yet I believe this will be fine and thinking ‘this time I will be fine during these late/early hours.’ – I stop and breathe. I realise this is just an excuse/justification to attend this event, when I KNOW within my physical body/self that this is going to be a hindrance to my physical body, thus in reality there is definitely not any point to do this, so here I commit myself to come to a solution which is being either to NOT attend the event, OR to attend the event and leave at suitable hours so that I can then rest when appropriate.

Friday, 17 February 2017

Day 646 - Am I capable of being a drawing artist?

Something I’ve always been interested in, was drawing. I used to love looking at all sorts of artworks/pieces. The amount of detail, the effort, the interest, the uniqueness, all of it I found fascinating. And I did undertake 1 or 2 art classes. I see though that I never applied myself as much as I could or well, and the big one is I never BELIEVED in myself to do well or to apply myself effectively TO do well.

Because well, I saw my output and I was underwhelmed. But of course I was underwhelmed, I never believed in myself in the first place lol. My starting point was already one of self-defeat, so there is nowhere to go from there but DOWN. After conversation with another about hobbies and such, I’ve decided to give drawing another go, THIS TIME with a clear stable point where I am not belittling my output or any process of the drawing method/output.

And instead..looking at examples, perhaps tutorials, things like that, practicing of course, seeing what happens, trialling, ERROR-ING (which is a part of this and anything in the world).

What I do love about the process of drawing, or any craft which requires time, effort...is PATIENCE. The patience involved. Which is awesome because patience is something that is so necessary within our lives. So how cool is it to do something I want to do, as well as developing patience within myself? Not to mention drawing abilities and all other benefits that I get from having a hobby like this. Very cool I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine/belittle myself prior and/or after working on drawings as self-judgments/comparisons/negative-energy starting points to drawing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time to draw through breath, and thus patience, effort, learning, researching, so that I can perfect the art of ART.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe in myself/my capabilities to be able to draw effectively. Within this I see, realise and understand that believing in myself to do anything is not necessary, because that is still something external of me, thus here I see, realise and understand that it’s simply then to just draw. Because in reality there’s no reason to NOT be able to draw, other than the obvious things such as not having drawing experience, not TRYING, not DOING. So I commit myself to stop looking for/to beliefs to be able to do/not do something, because beliefs are in fact a product of my mind and thus external/separate from myself as a physical body which ONLY requires MOVEMENT.

I commit myself to look at drawings, investigate, research, to see what is done, how it is done, and within/after this, actually draw, myself. Slowly. Productively. Effectively. Patiently. As breath.

I commit myself to take time with this movement to draw, because time is needed, it is necessary – it all takes time, whatever we do, so I commit myself to GIVE MYSELF the time to learn, to draw, to experience, experiment, fuck up, learn what works/does not work etc.

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Day 645 - Hostage dream

I’ve been having many dreams lately. A lot in the last few days. Whereas previously I’d only have one every few months.
1 interesting one was basically being held hostage. These people came to the house. Held me and some others hostage by gunpoint. I don’t know what they wanted. But what I saw here was the panic on the faces/behaviours of the others, and for me I was just calm. Because I knew that panicking at all would be a detreiment to myself/my position. It’s always best to remain stable, cool, calm, collected, even in the most dire situations. Because the mind of ourselves/others feeds on fear and such.

Anyway, I was quietly telling the other hostages to remain calm too. The gun people took us out to the front yard and lined us up there on our knees facing the road. About 2/3 of us. All neighbours were onlooking. The gun people wanted to make a scene.

I woke up then. It was, as all dreams are, very real.

So what do I get from this dream? I have feared this scenario. With the violence, threats, abuse that exists/happens, and myself being in this position. But it was interesting that I proved to myself, in the dream at least lol, that I can remain stable despite this shit happening to me, and can be a voice of reason for others in these apparent panic-like times, which was cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being taken hostage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being held at gunpoint.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear injury/death.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can remain calm, cool, collected despite this happening to me in some way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself believing that I will be very fearful/scared in this situation, as being taken hostage/held at gunpoint, I stop and breathe. I realise that if this is to happen to me, then there is no better way to be than to remain cool, calm and collected and so avoid allowing fear to be consumed/used by others in an attempt to unsettle me/abuse me and same as I unsettle/abuse myself as fear and participating in fear.

I commit myself to keep cool, calm and collected in possible hostage-like situations/held at gunpoint by breathing of course to keep myself here and to not go up into my mind as fears, what ifs, what could happen, how I will escape etc.

I commit myself to be example of being cool, calm and collected in this situation.

I commit myself to embrace death if it going to happen to me.

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Day 644 - What is my relationship to money?

For most of my life I have not had a high income or a stable income. Moreso low income if anything. Now that I’ve had a steady flow of income, not the highest amount/a necessarily high amount, but an amount that allows me to ‘do’ much more, it’s made me want to look into this point/question. Thing is, I have been spending money, in a way, quite..in an uncaring type of manner. I wouldn’t necessarily say going crazy where it’s out of control spending, but spending large amounts or frequently just because I know I have the money and I’ll still have left over money if necessary.

Thing is, there are in fact things I’d like to save money for. Such as a new car. Potentially a house or moving into a more expensive house/room. And even if NOT, if I don’t really have anything to save money for, does not give me the ‘right’ to spend here, there and everywhere. I mean, yes it’s up to me how I spend, but even if not the house/car...there are causes I want to give to, groups that I know are making a difference to/for life/myself.

I want my money to go to these, things that matter/will make a change. And now that I’m writing, holidays to places around the world, travelling, exploring, learning. General activities. There is a lot that I can spend money on to better myself and/or learn about life/myself and enjoy with others. As opposed to spending for activities/things that yes are also enjoyable, but failing to take into considering these OTHER things that I could be saving up for/spending money on that I see are a much better use of my money.

We all have to be very wise with how we use money. Check out starting points, our reasons, before spending money towards anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my relationship towards money and how/what I spend it on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have money and then spend it here, there and everywhere because I have money, using that as an excuse to spend money without considering what else I can spend money on/what I can save this money for.

When and as I see myself not caring about money, I stop and breathe. I realise that money is life and so that in itself must be taken extremely seriously, looked after, cared for, respected, otherwise I am committing sins against life and abusing life through my careless spending, when I could be and should be spending money on appropriate things as learning, as enjoyment within reason etc. I commit myself to look at my money in my wallet/hold it physically and/or look at the money listed in digital form and USE it wisely though breath, through seeing if what I’m about to use it for is really necessary/something that is best for all life and something that is suitable/appropriate for use.

I commit myself to be equal with my money as it is equal with me in that we look after eachother and care/respect eachother and use wisely/appropriately as what is best for all life.

I commit myself not to allow energy as thoughts/emotions/feelings/judgments direct me in spending LIFE pointlessly/as abuse, because that will set me back as LIFE and restrict me as LIFE as opposed to pushing me forward as spending wisely so that I can continue growing as spending this LIFE wisely.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Day 643 - Writing time is any time

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my morning time/before work to write and believing that it is ‘best’ to use my time after work to write, when in reality, a lot of the time I am very tired/drained after work and it’s best to rest, thus seeing, realising and understanding that when I have time, I write, it does not matter on the day, hour – any time is time to write, and time to write is the change i require in the world and as self.

I commit myself to use my time more efficiently for the actions which I see are most necessary/vital/pivotal in my life and in the world.

I see, realise and understand that writing IS my point of change, thus using time to write is of the most importance in every way, shape and form + I enjoy it a lot as changing myself for the best, as sharing, as expressing.

I commit myself to utilise the time I have in this world/within my life effectively/efficiently as possible, so that being the things that assist me to be the best I can be, because there is nothing more important than that in reality – everything else CAN potentially assist too, but I know NOT to the extent of self-forgiveness, of self-realisations and of self-commitment as becoming my utmost potential in this world.

So I  commit myself to always be aware of who I am in every moment, look at the time I have, and sit down at my desk/computer and write, because it does not take long in any case + I can assign as much time as I want to/need to, to writing, thus I commit myself to use my time well for what requirements I have in that moment and the near distant future.

I commit myself to give my body what it wants/requires – these are most vital, so other than the self-change through writing/physical application, also the food, the water, the rest, the sleep, the sun, because being in peak-shape will allow me to be the best I can be and thus outflows in all that I do which is what I want in life.

Monday, 6 February 2017

Day 642 - Negative self-judgments

This is just general. I realise that I tend to see myself negatively/in a negative light. For example, there was a discussion at work where a person was spoken of in a negative light. Now obviously this is not acceptable in the first place, nonetheless, I immediately saw myself as this person being spoken of in a negative light. I didn’t find out who, nor enquire about it, but this is but one example. And there have been other situations where I Just talk down about myself, what/who I am, and it even surprises others who disregard it, because lol, it seems that all I do, when I do this..is just talk myself down a lot, and others obviously don’t see this, hence surprise, so this goes to show that it is purely me seeing myself as this through my mind, through negative thoughts, emotions, feelings, judgments and so on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paint myself in a negative light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is something wrong with me/negative with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow this negative path that is sourced from my mind and that I have thus accepted and allowed myself to follow which then manifests in the aloud-speaking of putting myself down in some way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself desiring to talk down/bad about myself in any way, shape or form based on negative thoughts of myself/judgments within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is extremely disempowering, hurtful, abusive towards myself, where I’m merely believing thoughts about myself in some way, shape or form, as opposed to having self-trust within self-responsibility and so removing these thoughts/judgments and bringing myself back to all that I am, a physical body that is one and equal with all life/the Earth here – thus as this, no abuse exists whatsoever, so I commit myself to exist as this life, as the physical, where I do not abuse self/others in any way, shape or form and accept myself/others in every way, shape and form as the life that they/I am, always.

I commit myself to accept me for me as my physical body/self.

I commit myself to not speak negatively OR positively about me, which can easily be egotistic – thus here I commit myself to speak the truth, the reality, thus without any energy behind/backing/within my words/actions/movements that I undertake/do every second.

I commit myself to allow myself to gain an image of oneness and equality, where this is all that I am and all I want to be and I accept this and embrace this as I do with all life.

Saturday, 4 February 2017

Day 641 - Wants

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living, enjoying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse want with need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must only do things that are needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss wants because they are not needs.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy with what I have access to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself negatively within my mind for wanting my wants.

When and as I see myself wanting a want that is not a need and see myself going into self-judgment therefore because it’s not something I need, I stop and breathe. I realise that if I am to only have things I Need in my life, then technically that is just food, water, clothing and that is all – but despite this being a way of living, why not expand, why not enjoy with things I have access to, things in which I can still expand through/with, enjoy as moving my body, as thinking, as solving, as socialising?

So I commit myself to enjoy what I have access to, but of course I commit myself also to make sure my STARTING POINT of whatever it may be is one of stability, where I can say and do it based on something substantial/real/valid, and not something that is based on energetic wants/apparent needs as thoughts, as emotions, feelings, desires.

I commit myself to allow myself to enjoy what is here, and what I can get that is here, just not ‘with me’ currently but I can make here.

I commit myself to allow myself to embrace the best in things, whatever the thing is.


Thursday, 2 February 2017

Day 640 - Reason to be expressive

Something I Found interesting happened today. Basically I was on the way to work, and from last night to being on the way to work, I had been feeling ill. It may have passed/gone away, but whilst on the train etc, I was feeling worse. During this feeling, I felt more ‘comfortable’ in small actions such as touching my forehead, looking a certain way..and generally doing certain things – so I was doing things in reply to how I felt, breathing for example, where it is very visible, looking uncomfortable – see what I mean here? Generally I’d suppress these things, or if not ill, just suppress movements and such, but here it was like ‘I need to do these things in reply to the illness/to feel better’ – so I did them. It was like nothing was holding me back.

I got off the train and stopped somewhere and I was basically just leaning against the wall. It was obvious that I wasn’t feeling so flash. But again, what I find funny is that I did not care what others thought here. I wanted to feel better/get better, so did what I saw was necessary for my physical body, like leaning, like the body position and such, what made me more comfortable.

What I found out through all of this also..is that well, of course, I should not need a reason to be expressive, or to ‘do’ things..certain movements, or things that are for example necessary for my physical body, or that I want to do because it’s comfortable, whatever it may be. A natural expression should exist and thus emerge.

I commit myself to allow my natural expression to emerge through what I want to do/be as movement for/what is comfortable for my physical body simply.

I commit myself not to suppress what it is I want to do as movement for whatever reason.

I commit myself not to exist as reason to be expressive, because expression in its naturalist form is well, natural lol.

I commit myself to let go. I commit myself to not be as ‘robotic’ in my movement as SUPPRESSION and NOT as being ‘natural’ – being one with my movement, flowing-type of thing which will assist my physical body dramatically for muscle movements, bones etc.

Thus I commit myself to constantly breathe during my general movements/moments so that I am aware of myself and when I am suppressing and being stagnant, robotic as opposed to free-flowing/natural/moving as my body, physically, here.

I commit myself to be loose.