Saturday, 24 June 2017

Day 699 - What is wrong with me?

I’m continuing from my last blog in a way in where I didn’t get a reply/nobody said anything to me and I’d immediately go into questioning myself and blaming myself for this as if I was the issue or I did something wrong or I said something wrong, basically just pointing fingers at myself and then going into self-judgment and depression, sadness, anger. Now I’m writing about it generally as per when another does something or doesn’t and it impacts ourselves in some way, shape or form, then the desire, still as I said, in blaming ourselves and believing we’re the issue/reason why another did/did not do something and how it affects us in some way, shape or form.

Why does it have to impact/affect us at all though? When we leave something in another’s hands, even to the smallest extent, then we can’t rely on it. Not speaking of having no trust in another or anything, but when we as ourselves aren’t in direct control, then we should be expecting this or that to happen and so things to suit or not suit us. That’s just how it is. I do my bit or my part, and that is it - I’ve reached my goal, my conclusion, I’m satisfied with this - anything that does/does not come afterwards in relation to others is THEIR decision.

And I must accept that it’s their decision. It’s their decision, and so it’s out of my hands, and so well yeah, lol it’s not in my hands and so how can I possibly blame myself or point fingers at me or go into any form of self-judgment and emotions/feelings that follow?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m responsible for every single decision that another makes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see, realise and understand that EACH make their OWN decisions and that is FINAL.

I see, realise and understand that if I genuinely say or do something that will affect one in a certain way that is NOT best for all, then I’ll know about it through stopping, breathing, realising - but in these instances where I just desire to go straight into self-questioning, self judgment, emotions, feelings - I am just looking for answers within myself, failing to understand that through simply stopping and breathing, I am able to see if what I did as my decision was NOT what was best for all.

I commit myself to accept and understand one’s decision, not necessarily understanding it totally, but understanding and accepting that this is their current decision for whatever reason, and so what they then do is out of my hands/control, though being satisfied within myself that my previous decision or decision in relation was what best best for all, and that is all that is required on my part/for myself, and another too.


Friday, 23 June 2017

Day 698 - No reply

I get angry, disappointed at another when I receive no reply. Why did they not reply, what did I say wrong, what did I do wrong, what’s wrong with me, so interesting how immediately I go into self-judgment and self-questioning as if it is something I did that is the issue, this is the workings of the mind where I simply see myself as being the issue and not considering that another, for whatever reason, I mean, evidently, has not replied to me and so well, you know, I can’t even begin to conclude as to why no reply was received. There are many factors. So here I require, firstly to stop this self-questioning and self-judgment and also to be understanding of another and leave it at that. I don’t know the reason for another not replying and that is it. I can’t also turn that into self-questioning/self-judgment, because that is weak, that is not looking for answers, that is just giving into a pattern within my mind of judging me.

I commit myself not to judge me or question me when I get no reply or no word from another about something.

I commit myself not to attack, blame another when I get no reply/word about something.

I commit myself to just leave it. I commit myself to see what has happened with the no reply or word and just stop, because it’s not in my hands anymore, it’s in another’s hands, and so I leave it alone, it is purely upon another as for the reasoning and so it’s never anything I’ve done even though my mind as me tells me otherwise which I participate within and as.

I commit myself not to partake in this desire as a program/pattern within my mind to ‘do the same’ to enact a revenge/same way of being treated as I see blindly through a pattern within my mind as if the lack of reply/word is another’s means of hurting me, judging me and wanting to return that same emotional pain ‘so they know it feels’.

I commit myself to always stand and stick to my principles as life as what is best for all, so that is to never go into this desire to blame, seek revenge or anything, which isn’t necessary in the first place, as it never matters why/what another does also, I am always in control of me and what I do and what it is I do and say must REMAIN HERE, despite how every single one around me may do or say or not say or do, that is to be then unbreakable and unshakeable as what is best for all.


Day 697 - When help and assistance isn’t a priority

In my previous working role, I didn’t have as many limitations as I do in my current working role. In fact, I didn’t have any limitations really in my previous role. This role has quite a lot of limitations. The roles have a lot of similarities which is why I bring them both up.

What it basically that I use quite a few of the same systems as I did in my previous role. So I can see the same information, BUT, because of this particular role and what it entails, despite seeing this information that I know will assist another, I am refrained from saying it and so have to advise another to look elsewhere basically. I found this difficult at first. Because I mean, I want to help everyone the best I can and give the best answers etc. I’m beginning now to see that well yes, basically despite that information being available, it’s just the way that system works, so it shows everything no matter what.

In the broader picture of this though, it just goes to show how limiting and limited we are with ourselves and others. If this was a best for all system and that we had with each and every one, then we’d always take each opportunity to best assist ourselves and others at ALL times, but this system and things like job titles and groups and areas etc limit are potential to assist and support everyone to the best of our ability.

For me, of course I’ll do what is as the limitation, because that is what I’m required to do to efficiently do my job as per my title/the title of the role - I won’t compromise myself for the betterment of others - best for ALL includes myself. So this is ‘even’ as I can be as per the system. And until this system changes, limitation and the sacrifice of assistance and support will CONTINUE.


Saturday, 17 June 2017

Day 696 - More about the tv

After writing about my habit in turning on the tv for a lot of my life to feel comfortable, to feel at ease, when in reality I was not even concentrating on what was on tv, more like a background sound - I realised further that I have used it, again, as I use the word ‘comfort’ - that comfort as how I used this word was for aiding in my feeling of loneliness.

For example, I mean, basically any tv channel will have humans speaking in some form, so for me that aided in my feeling of loneliness. It aided in my shyness. It made me feel comfortable, like I was with others - I could hide my loneliness through the voices of humans, to find a voice, even though it was still not my own voice, but it worked to an extent for myself.

I see also this worked for the silent state. Because if there is no sound, then only silence exists - and yes that exacerbated my feeling of loneliness and being alone. So here I see I can work with silence effectively and change my relationship to silence. So that I do not require any type of sound to feel at ease/comfortable in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a tv/the sounds of humans speaking/sound generally to feel at ease/comfortable and to make me feel like I belong and to make me feel that I am not lonely and that I have no issue with interactions with others as per my shyness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is anything wrong with SILENCE, not a single sound, not a whimper - here I see, realise and understand that in these moments I’m actually more in touch with myself whereas my focus is 100% upon my physical state and I can express/enjoy a lot more in this state, so here is but one example of where I can work effectively with silence to embrace, express, enjoy and BE here.

I see, realise and understand that any loneliness feeling/sensation is purely but a pattern within myself as I do not in fact require to be with others or to interact with others to feel a sense of belonging - here I see, as I said, that this loneliness is but a pattern and a program that I’ve created within myself as an extension of my shyness and also a comparison with others who seemed to effortlessly interact with others and such.

I commit myself to always bring the focus back unto myself because if I am here, stable and clear, then the rest is simple. I will not have issue with interactions, I will not require interactions as a belief, I will not have issues with shyness and communications etc.

I see, realise and understand that I only require me to reach my utmost potential.

I commit myself to utilise myself as best to reach my utmost potential as the qualities that I know I can be and am currently working towards.


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Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Day 695 - Habit to turn on tv

This is a habit of mine. I come home from somewhere, perhaps have something to eat and turn on the tv. Actually, it’s more accurate to say I turn on the tv then do other stuff. Just having it on in the background even. Lol why have it on if I’m not actually using it? That is why I see it’s just a habit. Even generally, I just turn it on a lot. Not as much as I used to, but I still tend to - so basically I’m seeing that I’m reliant on a tv. But I could be doing other things. I could be watching certain things that are more beneficial for example. Or do something different entirely that my time can be better used for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a habit of using the tv to make me feel at ease/at peace/comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into automation whereas I just turn the tv on despite not even using the tv for it’s intended purpose as watching something or listening to something and simply just having it on in the background whilst I do other things, all because I’ve grown accustomed to the tv being on despite me not wanting to watch anything in particular, just the sound/visuals make me feel ‘at home’.

I commit myself to break this tv on always habit of mine and instead make sure I actually only turn the tv on if I’m going to watch something/listen to something that first of all I want to watch/listen to that I see is effective for myself.

I commit myself to explore other activities besides turning on the tv for watching/listening, within this, not to create more habits as being reliant/my go to things to do, but so I can see for myself that there are many things I can do and enjoy doing and learn from etc and I can utilise all of these for myself.

When and as I see myself desiring to turn the tv on despite knowing deep within myself that I don’t want it actually on and I’m not using it genuinely/self-honestly, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to find something to do that is effective for myself, yes it may be to watch or listen to something, but that is as always, a self-honest decision that I make in that moment - so herein I commit myself not to turn on the tv and first thus to investigate for myself what it is I want to do and then do it.


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Sunday, 11 June 2017

Day 694 - Struggling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear appearing as if I am struggling to do something to an extent and instead want to show others that I never struggle to do anything and in fact I do everything easily and effectively always.

I see, realise and understand that in life, there are some things that require a degree of struggling to get to the desired outcome.

I see, realise and understand that any would struggle in this circumstances and others as I also do, and so it’s a point of what I am working with that is the struggle, and so the solution is to get through the struggle-stage and to the desired outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to paint a picture of myself of perfection, of ease, of not being clumsy, of not exerting, of looking the same at all times, as nothing affecting me in any way, shape or form.

I commit myself to embrace the struggle and so within this, exert, express, show what it is I am doing and trying to do until I make it and get to there I want to be.

When and as I see myself desiring to go to a private location/a location where people I know can’t see me and my struggle/requirement to express/exert myself and within this change my facial expression and my body movements etc, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that things in life do require exertion, and expression, which is a necessity always, and within this, a struggle/pushing to get to the desired outcome, and so that is just how it is and what it is, and so I commit myself to embrace the struggle/pushing needed, I commit myself to embrace the exertion/expression that is within the struggle/pushing because it is simply what is required in the moment to get to my desired solution - there’s no way to bypass the struggle/push/exertion at all, so I commit myself to push and push myself in this situation wherever it may be.


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Day 693 - Passion

I’ve seen how passion can be misdirected. And for me I’ve lived passion within this misdirection and within an energy where I get ‘fired up’ and when I am in that trance so to speak, I’ll speak out about my opinion all day and every day. That is why I call this a misdirected or misplaced passion. It’s not about defending my opinion until death and speaking it and pushing it onto others because I am so fixated on it being right and here not stopping to consider any other opinion or perspective. I’m right, so I’m right type of thing.

For me also I still feel this passion come up within me when it’s a much talked about issue, a world issue, a killing issue etc, and for me yes, I see a lot differently to others, where I consider many aspects and dimensions of an event and so I’m more willing now to look into things, see why one may do something, what the motivation is, the reasoning and then there is how something began etc - so even though yes, my output is much more reasonable in that I’m actually considering multiple dimensions etc, there is this passion pattern within me when one says different and is speaking in a limited way and for example purely just pointing fingers and blaming in a one dimensional way of seeing an event.

I also see that ‘I mean well’ - but that is not enough. Meaning well is not being well. So where else does this passion stem from? When one is speaking one dimensionally and I am disagreeing and I am frustrated because that person is not seeing something from multiple dimensions and so is limited in reasoning and I want and wish they would be open to other reasoning and more dimensions of an event, so that is the pattern I’m looking at here when it comes to passion and being angry/frustrated/annoyed at one for looking too one dimensionally and same emotions come up when I want and wish them to look multi-dimensionally for reasoning purposes. Like I want them to see how I see something. But that cannot be - we’re each at a different stage in process, so my passion as anger/frustration won’t change their mind, so what I see is that I must understand this myself, and then once I’m stable I speak my perspectives as stability starting point and thus the chances of resonation in another magnify greatly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace and misdirect my passion into defending something and within this, defending for the reasoning/justification I have within myself of frustration/anger/annoyance that another is not seeing something from a multiple dimension stand point and only seeing something from a one dimensional stand point and so being frustrated that they are not considering other options/reasons to look more deeply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another to agree in totality with my own multiple dimension perspective as of reasoning to look deeper as to the reasoning of something happening and being frustrated/annoyed/angry when this does not happen and one has their own opinion that is limited and one dimensional in relation to something.

When and as I see myself in a conversation with another and a subject comes up where my perspective differs greatly from one’s opinion and I desire to defend and convince and make another see my way/be open to other dimensions and reasonings and then desiring to become frustrated, angry, annoyed when I cannot convince another, and here even frustrated/annoyed that they have this one dimensional opinion in the first place - I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that we are EACH walking a different process and at different STAGES in process, and so of course we will all have a different way of looking at something and I must accept this.

So I commit myself to accept everyone’s opinion and/or perspective and not react to it as taking it personally or judging them for apparently ‘not understanding or being open enough’ - as ‘meaning well’ is abusive, BEING WELL is to yes, have my perspective about this and that, share it, sure, but that sharing must be from a starting point of just that, to share, not to convince, not to defend, not to change - these are all forms of the mind as a source of my ego, my frustration, my anger, my annoyance and thus they must be stopped in the moment.

I commit myself to allow resonation as speaking my perspectives by remaining calm, patient, willing, open, accepting with another.

I commit myself to listen to another’s opinion/perspective and so hear/learn where they are at currently and accept that within myself as that being their current path/stop.

I commit myself to then speak my own perspective as per how I see something and speak it as necessary such as in parts or all at once dependent on the moment/who/where another is at and so as to make an understanding happen or a type of resonance in another through whatever means possible/necessary.

*Passion current definitions*

strong and barely controllable emotion.

a state or outburst of strong emotion.

intense sexual love.

an intense desire or enthusiasm for something.

a thing arousing great enthusiasm.

the suffering and death of Jesus.

an account of the Passion from any of the Gospels.

a musical setting of any of the biblical accounts of the Passion.

Passion redefinition

My ability to resonate something in another within and as stability as what is best for all as sharing unconditionally/openly to resonate as best as possible and to share as best as possible without delay or limitation.


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Friday, 9 June 2017

Day 692 - Writing it ALL down

I have to see, realise and understand that my expression first and foremost is what is needed. My expression in that current moment - that goes for anything and everything. If it’s anger, frustration, sadness, despair, depression. Writing is key. And no, it’s not to write it all down without a point or without an evolution. I write it all down to put it all infront of me where I can see where I’m currently at, emotions/feelings and all, and so I’m laying it all out. And within these writings/expressions, I come to realisations. That is the point of expression.

So thus there’s no hiding expression or painting a picture that I am not currently these emotions/feelings etc. I know what I am in an moment, so I Must express these, that is self-honesty. If I am self-honestly all this shit, then I write all this shit. I am one and equal to my expression/as my expression and so as all I do, and so as my writings. They are a reflection of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is an issue with writing ‘angry’ writings and/or basically writings within and as emotions/feelings, thoughts, whatever it may be.

I see, realise and understand that through these writings or any writings, I come to realisations. Plus I lay it all out for myself infront of me where I can see the words, I can see my reflection, my expression, my output as me in that moment, and so I come to solutions and that is vital. I see, realise and understand that if I am NOT self-honest and so paint a pretty picture instead without any of the mind shit within me, then I will not be able to reflect and find a solution and come to a realisation as per my expression of who I am in that moment.

So I commit myself to write ALL THE SHIT DOWN. All the shit. No skipping shit. No bypassing shit. Every single thing. Doesn’t matter if I am going from point to point. Where I am at is where I am at. My expression is my expression. My self-honesty is my self-honesty. SO I use then as my expression to then GET somewhere, a solution so that I assist myself not to go through these particular moments again. I commit myself to lay it all out so I get the best view to assist me further.


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Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Day 691 - Time given

How much time should I give/dedicate to what? Like, do I dedicate one amount of time to something, and then another amount of time to another thing - do I dedicate the same amount of time to each thing equally?

I could dedicate all of my time to one particular thing, but is that really beneficial, whatever that thing is, no. A balance is definitely, always vital. And no it doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t be exact amounts of time dedicated to each thing or activity. Because there are many dimensions to each activity/thing to do.

As always, it’s a point of self-honesty. Desteni process - that means writing, that means blogging, that means vlogging, that means DIP Pro assignments, that means Eqafe material, that means rating up other’s blogs/vlogs etc, that means sharing material on Facebook and others etc - there’s no reason for this not to be a daily activity. Not necessarily ALL of this everyday, but some, especially writing/blogging as per our self-change and sharing with others.

So I get home from work. Do I watch tv or write? The temptation and ‘want’ is to watch tv, but that want is shrouded within and as my mind as laziness, as excuse, as justification - things like that. Again, always, self-honesty. Maybe I DO require some rest in the form of lying down, and yes sure, some tv-watching whilst doing this can be fine, but it must be genuine. So here I breathe to slow myself down and see who or what is directing me in this moment, ME, or ME as MIND. Close in words..but much different in reality.


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Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Day 690 - All eyes on me

When I speak and no others are speaking and everyone’s eyes are on me, listening, watching. I’m still working on this point. Even generally. Not in a particular scenario or situation, just generally. Self-forgiveness I spoke to myself related to the practical stuff in yes, this is happening, with the attention/eyes being on me whilst this happens, but that is all it is, and I said that it is for connection purposes. Like, we connect through looking, through listening - that’s how we learn and understand.
But I want to go into more detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a deeper meaning to eyes being on me/people listening to me, when in reality it’s just a form of connection, of understanding, of learning, as I do with others.

I see, realise and understand that people watching me and having attention directed at me does not alter me in how I speak, how I act, there’s no need for any alterations from myself, the only difference is attention and the forms of eyes on me/ears listening and me speaking, moving, directing. So when and as I see myself in this position when I have attention directed at me in the form of eyes, ears and then I feel hesistant, nervous, scared, worried, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that these emotions come up within me because the situation is different from what I am used to in not being in this situation of attention being directed at me.

I see, realise and understand also it is my own self-judgment of myself in who/what I am as a person, where I believe I am a person that is generally quiet/reserved/not a leader/not a director and more of a backseat person, not one that takes initiative. I see, realise and understand that I’ve allowed these labels of who I believe myself to be, to define me even now, BUT, these labels are not me. I’ve just created them as me, they are but patterns and programs, but because they are patterns and programs, I can change them, I can remove them to be my utmost potential as life.

I commit myself to NOT be quiet, reserved, not a leader, not a director, because I see, realise and understand that being direct, a leader, vocal is very pronounced, people understand best this way, I understand best this way, I get my message across best this way, I take control this way, I take matters into my own hands this way, so I commit myself to work on this in these situations, where I will keep a consistent voice/vocal tone, I will not stutter, I will not ponder, I will not hold back within speaking/moving or generally when I want to speak, I will not shake as per being nervous/anxious.

I commit myself to strengthen myself as life and as my utmost potential through removing these patterns/programs of LIMITATION.

I commit myself to be a director of myself in each and every moment, where I don’t hold back, I don’t refrain, I don’t hesitate - I push forward, I speak up, I deliver strongly, a deliver with a resounding tone/delivery and I step up to the plate/podium and go for it.

I commit myself to be thorough in how I speak/move, and detailed.


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Monday, 5 June 2017

Day 689 - Moving myself as per myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move as per how another moves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another as my reference for how fast or slow I do something.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move as per my capabilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move faster because I wanted to keep up with another as if something was a race.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to prove something to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer the consequences of moving as per another’s movement/speed via a headache.

When and as I see another is moving faster/doing something faster and then within my mind I make the situation a game/competition/race, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that as long as I’m self-honest within and as my current capabilities, then I will move as necessary/as I can do. I commit myself to thus move as per my current capabilities because that is what I’m capable of, no more, no less, and trying to do more manifests physical consequences upon my body - and that is the reference point for not moving as per my physical self and instead moving as per another’s physical self.


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Saturday, 3 June 2017

Day 688 - Stimulation

encouragement of something to make it develop or become more active.
"the stimulation of a revolution in intelligence affairs"

the action of arousing interest, enthusiasm, or excitement in something.
"the child needs plenty of stimulation as bored hands can make mischief"

the raising of levels of physiological or nervous activity in the body or any biological system.
"stimulation of the vagus nerve slows heart rate"

Investigating stimulation

How do I understand stimulation? To stimulate is to arouse interest, enthusiasm, excitement. Interest and enthusiasm. These can come from external things, as a form of learning, understanding, growing, evolving. This can also be for enjoyment, to arouse enjoyment, that can be something practical, building, using. For building/using, what is the starting point? It can vary, it can be for practical purposes as creation and within that the enjoyment of physically moving and creating which is stimulation in itself. The stimulation comes from building/using, being creative, it goes hand in hand with the physical movement. Sort of like the bridge between building/using and the physical response upon building/doing. That is how I see stimulation.

With this form of stimulation, there’s no energy involved. It’s to do something creative for example, and enjoy the benefits, that being the stimulation of creation, of moving, of building, and of enjoyment, of doing - no energy involved. Physical stimulation.

I commit myself to utilise stimulation as my physical response to something that I am doing in which I enjoy doing because it is creative, it is a physical movement, it is beneficial, it is a source of learning/growing/evolving.


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Friday, 2 June 2017

Day 687 - Overcoming a challenge

Why does a challenge exist in the first place? It’s based on the happenings within our mind’s. Why else do we find something challenging? So just the thought of facing something can be a challenge according to us. This is when it’s important to investigate what points come up in relation to this thing we want to face to see why we find it a challenge. Because if we do not investigate these points in relation to something we want to face and that we find to be a challenge, then our chances of facing this thing are either none or very slim, and even if we do face this thing to an extent, the chances of failure are THAT much higher, PURELY down to the challenge towards the thing we are facing within our mind’s.

Yes, it’s so much easier to walk away instead of facing something, but shit, facing it, overcoming it, showing ourselves what we’re made of, what we’re capable of, what our potential is - is the most fulfilling thing EVER. It’s next level. It’s to use the key to unlock ourselves from within and then to unleash our potential for success.

I’ve surprised myself so many times within my process of what I’m ACTUALLY capable of. It’s astounding. And I’m still doing it. And the more times we break the resistance and minus the challenge, the easier it becomes, not only for that particular point, but for points to come where a challenge may exist. Once we prove to ourselves what we can accomplish, we make it THAT much easier to succeed and to push forward through EVERYTHING.


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Thursday, 1 June 2017

Day 686 - Less time thinking, more time writing

Throughout today I’ve been thinking what to write, which isn’t the way to do it. I even sat down at my computer a few times. I DID write about some points actually, but did not publish them, why, because I judged them negatively…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my output in any way, shape or form as less than the previous output or not as good as a ‘standard’ I have which is a belief of mine that is limiting, because self-honesty doesn’t require a standard, it just requires WILLINGNESS which then turns into words as my physical output, thus can be published simply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘standard’ that I have to reach in my writing that suits my expectations within my mind of how I’d like my blog to be and how to be read etc.

I see, realise and understand that self-honesty tells a story, and self-honesty is ALWAYS effective as the words and as living principle.

Thus I commit myself to continue being self-honest as my principle and thus as my output and extension of all that I do, say - there I can have no issue about what it is I do, because the starting point was self-honest.


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