Tuesday, 31 January 2017

Day 639 - Scared of others


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of humans and how they act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shake as being scared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared/shake as separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are things in/of humans as the MIND to fear within myself and that thus I have a ‘right’ to be scared in actuality, failing to realise that as the physical there is nothing that exists to participating within being scared and such, because I am no longer of the mind and fears etc.

When and as I see myself desiring to participate within being scared, I stop and breathe. I realise that being scared is definitely a mind program/pattern, as are all patterns of the like, thus I commit myself to identify this scared pattern as it desires to come to the forefront, stop it, breathe if necessary and continue as my physical self/body here.

I commit myself not to participate within being scared of any as who, what they are or what they do.

I commit myself not to be scared.


I commit myself to look at the person I am ‘scared’ of and bring myself back here by seeing them as my equal, because that is but what they are, they are only different or doing different as their mind as I am doing when I am scared of them, so I commit myself to remove the mind from them and myself so that all is left/that I am left with is them as a physical body, as well as myself with my physical body, equals, no separation.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Day 638 - A musical world


I’ve always loved music. As a kid, my parents listened to a lot of music, a lot of rock music from the 60’s, 70’s 80’s etc. So I would be singing/dancing along. And that is cool. Is can be enjoyable to dance, to sing along etc. Just some background of my relationship with music. And since then I’ve always been a strong music lover. I have my favourite artists/music, these days across all genres which I can find some cool stuff in, whether an interesting/unique pattern, or singing, something that I am not used to, I like, that can take me by surprise for example, I like.

But for me now, and even in past times, recent-past times, I’ve grown obsessed in a way about what my music collection should look like. It’s something I’ve been working on for a while, that collection as well as the point itself. For example, I have removed artists, then added them again, or individual songs, you know, trying to ‘perfect’ my collection. And in past times especially, it’s annoyed me because I see that I’m spending so much time trying to do this, you know, I’d RATHER be doing OTHER things, more PRODUCTIVE things. And that word sticks out a lot for me here/now, PRODUCTIVE.

I’d rather be writing for example, doing my Desteni assignments and such, thus NOT trying to find the best tunes to be in my library and take with me on my ipod.

So here I still see this heavy reliance on music. And thus this dependency/separation with music. Instead of an equal and one relationship with music, where I in fact choose cool music to have in my library, that I can of course update over time, but not to a point where I ‘require’ this or that, because in reality, I do not need any of this music to ‘be’ or to ‘enjoy’ etc. It’s just something, a method of enjoyment, of which there are thousands.

So I commit myself here to not obsess over this point, and to instead have a healthy relationship to music/what music I have/listen to etc, one where it does NOT direct me, one where I am NOT separate to it, one where I am equal to the music as it is equal to me, a relationship where we get along well and enjoy together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my relationship with music as life or death.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have a one and equal relationship with music where enjoyment happens and thus no separation, abuse, energy being associated with my relationship to music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I Require music to function, to be, to enjoy in a certain way, shape or form or any way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself obsessing over the music point and what I should have in my library, what songs, what artists, and what not, I stop and breathe. I Realise that it does not matter, because music does NOT effect me at all, and thus it is a invalid point or action to take in how I act. Having said this I do see, realise and understand that it is like anything in this world, it CAN be used effectively/in a healthy way for enjoyment, but this utterly depends on my relationship with it, thus I commit myself to create an effective relationship with music where I listen to music that I see something cool in and enjoy listening to for my own benefit.

I commit myself to embrace music that I like to hear.


I commit myself to NEVER lose sight of what is vital within my life, that being PROCESS, and that also being things that I generally want to do. So here, I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose control over what it is I WANT to do in life, over something that I believe I require, like music, where then I am ‘annoyed’ because this obsession of music is directing me, as opposed to what I want to do as my physical body which would be something entirely different. SO here I commit myself to find a balance so that I am always doing what I want to do/what my physical body requires so that I am always stable, here, enjoying, and thus not doing things ‘against my will’ basically as the mind/direction within and as energy in any way, shape or form.

Friday, 27 January 2017

Day 637 - Planning


The other day I was fortunate to get to work on time. I have been having to catch an additional bus to get to my work, and for a while now I have known of the route that the bus takes, but on this day it took a different route. I assumed it’d take the same route from Mon-Fri because I thought that is what I read, and maybe this was the case, but this doesn’t mean it is set in stone. Because I read this information over a week ago, so of course things change. It reminds me of my own self-change. I come to many realisations within the space of seconds/moments, which can change what I am doing/who I am in that moment as what is best for all. So like that, things can change regularly/often here too, so of course it’s purely up to me to check the day before/on the day, whenever it is, to make sure that I know what is happening and I won’t be late to work or late for whatever scenario.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume something will stay the same, even if it did say this for a certain period, failing to see, realise and understand that things DO change, thus it’s necessary for me to check often/regularly/lately for the most up to date information so that I can do what is necessary for what I am doing in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be open to change/changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in guarantees.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be flexible in all that I do/others do.


When and as I see myself doing something based on what I read earlier, I stop and breathe. I realise that it’s always best to check, check and check, because things change, simply, thus I commit myself to check often, regularly, for the most up to date information and so that I can KNOW of what I should be doing so that I can do it as what I require in my life.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Day 636 - Being comfortable, no matter the clothing


What I have noticed is that, well, on Fridays at work, we do not have to dress ‘smart-casual’ – thus don’t have to wear shirts, nice pants, nice shoes etc. On Fridays we can dress casually. Although not TOO casual, like ripped jeans. Anyway, on these days I generally feel much more comfortable, I mean, definitely because of what I am wearing. It is the material itself. Shirt-material, at least the ones I own are all generally not ‘soft’. But that is how shirts work, because they maintain a form. Whereas a t-shirt/jumper are more ‘flexible’ in terms of their material/form.

So within me I see some ‘restraint’ when wearing these ‘not so’ flexible shirts. And I believe I can’t ‘do’ as much as I want to, or to sum up, ‘be’ who it is I want to be. This makes me laugh though now that I say this, like shirts are holding me back? No.

I see that I must just EMBRACE these shirts, this material, this form. Yes it’s different, but really, I’m just not used to it. Generally, and for most of my life I have NOT worn shirts/this material/this form, I’ve worn soft material, flexible material, you know? If I had grown up wearing shirts often, I guarantee my tune would be different lol, and I’d be fine wearing shirts and feel ‘comfortable’ in them.


I commit myself to embrace whatever material I am in, no matter if it’s hard, soft, rubber-y, silky etc, because it does not define me or restrain me at all, it is simply that I am NOT accustomed to it as much as other materials, thus it ‘feels’ different, but that is ALL. Within this I see, realise and understand that the only ACTUAL restraint can only exist in a form where for example a shirt is too SMALL for me and/or too big so it’s not comfortable, alas these are physical-based things as a product/material, but other than that, if it fits, then I must embrace it and that is all, I continue from there as my self-expression as who I am within me, not as what I am wearing or not wearing as clothing etc.

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Day 635 - Enjoying simply being here, not requring the need to 'do' something


Yesterday I wrote out my tendency to when 'bored' - to place my elbow on a flat surface and rest my face on my hand. I saw that yes, this was in fact my reason for doing this always. Along with this, I saw this tendency to always be 'doing' something and not being able to just be here.

So it was cool because I was able to test both of these a lot already today. Generally and at work. Firstly on the way to work, on the bus/train. Usually I MUST do something, whether that is listen to music, play/use my phone, you know, wanting to be DOING something. Instead I didn't here, and it was cool, it was FUN. A different kind of fun that I am used to. I enjoyed just sitting on the bus/train and enjoying the ride, really, enjoying the outdoor scenery on the way, looking forward to the day ahead of me. It was interesting, actually. So here I for example no longer see the 'requirement' for phone use/music use or whatever-use when 'waiting' or when simply wanting to 'do something' for the sake of it or 'to have something to do'.

So there was that, and also as I mentioned, me resting my face/head on my hand/arm when 'bored'. I purposely did NOT do this at work today, and it was awesome. Lol there was a few occasions where I did or ALMOST did this, but I realised straight away and stopped.
The only thing I did too in relation to this movement of resting my head/face was using both of my hands, but I saw this was just comfort/exploring different movements/stances for me.

And I saw that this was also enjoyable and plus the big one, I was NOT participating within this boredom personality/character, and so instead of this feeling of 'dragging' where my work-day seems long and tedious and never-ending, it was absolutely fine. In fact, it went 'fast' if anything. Here of course the reality is work is a necessity and it's not to see it as boring etc, so this one change helped a lot with this and my ever-growing process of seeing work as this, and not as a 'bore' - just another activity that I CAN in fact enjoy and am now doing so.

Desteni

Monday, 23 January 2017

Day 634 - Face resting on hand/arm


We’ve all done this, we put our elbow on a flat surface and bend our elbow/arm/hand up to our face and use it as a leaning post of sorts lol.

I know I’ve done this a lot throughout my life. I have used it mainly I see, as a point of boredom. This is my bored stance. I have come a long way from this point of boredom where I no longer for example feel the need to do things to ‘avoid’ boredom. Thus it’s about enjoying all that I do as each movement and breath, which can be anything and everything I do which is effective.

Anyway, I see I do this still. And I was wondering if now I do if as boredom, or another reason. I see that yes I STILL do it as boredom, lol, which is contradictory to what I just said earlier. Okay, so I for example to do often at work I’ve seen, where I am in a stationary position at my desk/computer and am waiting for calls. I do some browsing of things here and there/inbetween waiting, but the rest of the time I am just sitting and waiting.

And this is so. When I am stationary and not doing anything, I do still participate within this boredom. So for example I’d rather be, if I can, be doing something physical, using my hands, my body. Watching things is okay, tv shows etc, but generally I like to DO stuff lol. Which I see is where a phone comes in ‘handy’.

So here I ask myself, can I enjoy being still, stationary, and doing NOTHING? I see that I CAN. So instead of always finding something to do, just enjoy being..waiting. Enjoying my own company, my surrounds, being here, being stable, doing what I have to/want to..or both.


I will test this out and report back.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Day 633 - Fearing certain types


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear certain 'types' as personalities, as characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that certain personalities/characters have 'power' over me/are better than me in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the most vocal are the best types of human on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that it is simply about who one is as their inner which then reflects upon their outer as who one is.

When and as I see myself fearing a certain personality/character, I stop and breathe. I realise that none are better than me, or worse than me, they are me and I am them, they are different to me and I am different to them, but this is based purely on upbringing and varying degrees of mind participation/physical being. Thus I commit myself to walk with them as they walk with me, equals, talk to them as they talk to me, equals, do to them as they do to me, equals, because there is nothing but equality between them and I, despite the differences that are evident, but they are I and life is life as living organisms here that I am here with in the world, as they are with me, no separation in reality as the physical, only within my mind and the mind's of others.

I commit myself to embrace all personalities/characters as understanding, as reflection.

Desteni

Day 632 - Very nice


Today I got told that I 'sound' very nice and/are very nice. No issue with this. Though I sarcastically replied with "Should I not be as nice?"

I find it funny though that it's considered something of an abnormality to be nice lol. I mean, there seems to be a difference between nice and NICE to some. I see that my own 'being nice' is one of self-honesty. One of being genuine. And this is the reason it is noticed and picked up on.

A lot of the time I notice this forceful 'being nice' persona from others. Can just tell that it's staged and not genuine. It doesn't come naturally. A lot of what we do though is forced, for example to make others apparently happy/feel good, or same for ourselves.

So for me personally, it's awesome that I can just basically flow as one as this 'niceness'. It's not like "Okay, time to put my nice face on." It is just BEING nice as who I am, which is very cool. And it is noticeable, trust me. It literally just happens in the moment. Nice happens in a moment, because what else is there to be? How else is there to treat another? Exactly, no way else.

Desteni

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Day 631 - Being me, myself and I.


It's so easy to stray..to become this and that character, or that and this personality. It's not easy..YET I'm saying..for me anyway, to remain as one, as the only that I am, the one and only as the physical. That is all I am and that is all you are. The FUNNY one, the CONFIDENT one, the SHY one etc, they are just programs that we've accepted and allowed within us. They are not us when we remove these patterns through self-forgiveness.

It's very fascinating in fact to realise that we are not these things, because look at us, all we are is our physical bodies. The bones, the inner organs, skin, teeth, hair (or not lol), arms, legs. We are all the same, but obviously are 'very' different in what we've accepted and allowed. And it's been this way for so fucking long that we simply know no better, and this reasoning that these are patterns seems bizarre, because of the depth that we're ingrained into these characters, beliefs, ways.

This is a very long process to get BACK to what we were meant to be and all we are. It is super duper satisfying though. And I don't ever want to go back to being a character. A character that suits others, a character that lies/manipulates, a character that is fearful, whatever the character may be, because why..lol. Why would I not want to move in this world without anything directing me, without being this and that character dependent on myself generally or a situation or a person? And that always takes a lot of resources as the physical body, and a lot of strain on it. A lot of implications.

Because it's not what our physical bodies require. It is separation, and so of course it has consequences on our physical body. We are not here with it. We are all up in our minds, in characters/personalities/fantasies. That is why we're not aware, not here, not ALIVE, not EQUAL to ourselves and all.

If you take a moment, take a breath, this shit lol, it really is NOT rocket science, not at all in fact. How does it NOT make sense? It's different, but it makes sense, no? Tell me it doesn't make sense, because I don't understand how it can not make sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as characters/personalities/designs/patterns as opposed to all I am as the flesh as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the STRAIN, the PAIN, the STRESS, the IMPLICATIONS and the CONSEQUENCES that I have accepted and allowed to impact my physical body through constantly and continuously participating and switching between this and that character, this and that personality where I have literally killed my physical body through pain, stress, injury - though here realising that it is not too late to forgive myself because it is never too late to forgive myself for the shit I've caused my physical body and I can get it back to optimum health through not existing as anything and instead simply BEING.

Thus I commit myself to stop existing as the bullshit and instead be, because that is how I was born and that is all I was and thus all I should be, as opposed to being a character as how I grew up, or being a character as who I socalised with, or being a character based on my environment, whatever it may or may not have been that made me who I was as a character/personality in the past.

Desteni

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Day 630 - Condoning


There are obvious thing in our world that should NOT be condoned - violence, abuse - well, to sum it up fast, inequality, disrespect for life - a world that is not what is best for all should not be condoned. My point is much smaller. It's a point in relation to a sport and how it is played and potential consequences of playing said sport. And within this I've created this dilemma of whether I should condone it or not. Condoning it here is basically watching it, even playing it. Obviously it's my decision, but I need to clear this up so that I can make a stable decision and not one based on fears, based on beliefs, or whatever it may be.

Currently I see it is based on fear. And through this fear I've also done some research. There was not much 'proof' of injury/damage from this motion in this sport. But my starting point of this research was fear.
When I look at this practically, the motion in sport, I see that it can't have any short term damaging consequences, or even long term. I myself have made it out as if it's this huge deal that is basically so deterimental to one that it just should not be played in any way, shape or form. That is how far my fear/belief has taken me.

Is there a stable/actual reason to research potential damages? No. It's not something that is 'worthy' of this I see. There is but fear that surrounds/starts this research.

Thus..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a huge deal out of something that is in realtiy minor/not even worthy of a second glance/thought in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed to enjoy things as they are, instead of looking for reasons not to like them out of fear and believing many things in our world are damaging.

When and as I see myself fearing something/what something may do, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must breathe and then decide/make a decision in that moment on whether this questioning is practical/real/actual, or simply just a fear.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, move in that moment. I commit myself not to make these massive conclusions about something, when in reality I failed to breathe through it initially and thus have allowed it to become a huge fear for me/belief within me.

Desteni

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Day 629 - Reinvention


I've seen myself believing that some things need reinvention. This is mainly in relation to my body and what I consume/don't consume, how I move/don't move.
And instead of keeping it simple/basic with how I've done things before, I'm trying, or I believe I should be reinventing it. A lot of the reason I believe I should be doing this or have to do this is based on beliefs in relation to Desteni material.

The Desteni material itself DOES reinvent the wheel, but THROUGH this/via this, I am coming up with these unusual reinventions of myself with my body, like believing that if I consume something and nothing 'unusual' happens within my body/no pain is felt, then it is 'fine' for me. This is true in some regards, but I took this to an odd level in believing that no abnormalities/pain = no weight gain lol.
Just a funny justication I see clearly now to NOT eat as healthy as I can. But I absolutely convinced myself that this was fact. Meanwhile, I'm fucking putting on weight! Earth to me, hello?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'basic' and 'standard' protocols/principles as eating/what is healthy/not healthy needs 'reinvention' - when it does not at all, it stays the same and works the same, thus it's not about changing/reinventing what foods do, just using the info/knowledge that I know and putting this into practice so that I do what is best for my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate matters in relation to food consumption and how to deal with/handle my physical body, instead of keeping it simple, to the point and direct for best assistance for my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with wild theories and believes and use Desteni's reinvention as a justficated in the end, to simply not do what is best for my physical body. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to reinvent based on my mind as opposed to reinventing something that actually requires reinvention because it is not working and is not what is best for all.

I commit myself to only reinvent that which REQUIRES reinvention.

I commit myself to keep process simple, keep protocoles/principles simple as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself desiring to overcomplicate matters, I stop and breathe. I realise that nothing should be complicated, it should be straightforward for the most part and thus not require lots of thinking, should not require justifications/excuses for benefit of my mind.

I commit myself to quit the justifications/excuses that only cause detriment to my physical body.

I commit myself to be aware in totality of when my physical body is TELLING ME something and I am, as the mind, IGNORING what my physical body is telling me - detriment.

Desteni

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Monday, 9 January 2017

Day 628 - Making assumptions based on my thoughts


Taking it back to basics in a way, self-forgiveness on assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create assumptions based on the thoughts in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe something is true based on assumption and me linking this assumption to a thought in my mind to believe I have a conclusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an assumption based on my mind, and then proceed to feel an emotion/feeling based on this, which is but energy and thus not my stable self directing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions of my own thoughts and then participate within a fear that I have in fact self-created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my assumptions into what I believe is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to look at the facts, the possibilities, the reasons based on reality, what is HERE in the physical world that we all live in and that there is, that there only is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can know what another means by what they do, because I can’t, I can ONLY know what I DO and so investigate why I do something, forgive it, release it, learn from it, grow from it and expand from it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own assumptions onto others and try to make this fact through doing this.




Saturday, 7 January 2017

Day 627 - I want to blog


I want to blog. I want to build up the already massive library of self-support/assistance/advice etc that exists within the Desteni universe, and so it annoys me when I go to write, and I just find that there isn’t anything for me to write about. Because ‘if I had it my way’ then I’d publish 1 blog daily.

Okay, I’m stopping here, because there is in actual fact NO reason why I CANNOT do this. Writing should just flow. It doesn’t matter if I have no topic in mind. It doesn’t matter if I write out something that I should reserve for my viewing only, and then write something that I see can benefit and/or be published publicly.

I know what my purpose in life is. I know what the purpose in life is. So ANYTHING I write about in regards to my self-change, my purpose, THE purpose is valid, is well, fine.

So there are no limitations. It’s not a thinking game, it never is. I know, so I write. Come across the purpose etc with different angles. Because also, we each write differently which is cool, so of course technically each could write about very similar topics, but because of everyone’s unique life/ways, it comes across differently, and with different points, different methods of advice, of support, of self-change. So here I for example realise that it doesn’t matter if perhaps my blog ‘sounds similar’ to a previous blog and/or another’s blog, my unique expression comes through, I am just failing to realise this.

Plus, even if this were not the case, I share other’s blogs on Facebook etc. Why, because I can spread it across a greater audience, an entirely different audience, for present and future.

Because in the end, it’s simply about sharing this change, these solutions, these purposes. And they get to people and people will learn from them, and so set off a chain reaction, then that person does the same. So really, no, it does not matter HOW it happens, as long as it happens. Just do it. That is the best way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself from blogging each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am/can ‘run out of material’ to write out, which is IMPOSSIBLE.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that there will ALWAYS be something to write about, it’s simply up to me to come up with something to write about, and it’s right at the tips of my fingers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear repetition in writings/blogs from myself/others, failing to see, realise and understand the unique expression/lives of each.

I commit myself to write based on my present me, which can in fact alter hugely from my prior me, and so expression comes across differently which is cool.


I commit myself to write until my fingers bleed, because this is my want, my goal, to raise awareness, to make it public, to push.



Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Day 626 - Not being self-honest


I’ve been self-dishonest, self-deceptive. Not only in regards to one thing, but multiple things that have come to light today. I realise that I’ve been manipulating myself and what I believe to be truth/the case, when in reality it is not, and despite physical evidence proofing my beliefs incorrect, I’ve still for a long time just ignored that in favour of self-dishonest/self-deception.

As I said, it’s been a while, months and months for this particular point. Basically I was not looking after my physical body as I should have been. Finally today I looked again at this, I breathed a lot, I remained steady/stable and I said self-forgiveness. I could not hide from this anymore. It was actually very relieving.

I know that the longer I keep up the act, the game, the lies, the worse it’ll be – couldn’t be any simpler. So I have done myself a huge favour on this particular point, and I will on others too that I come across/that I see I’ve been self-dishonest about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to IGNORE physical/real-based symptoms/effects in favour of keeping up a belief within my mind that suits my desires/my beliefs, what I wish to be, what I hope to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to twist, turn and manipulate FACTS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm my physical body in favour of beliefs.

When and as I see myself ignoring the EVIDENT EVIDENCE right infront of me, under me, I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that to here no more, no more will I lie, no more will I be self-deceptive, self-dishonest. I realise that this will ONLY have implications on ME, because all this bullshit..these lies, I am suppressing them like hell and they will and have as I’ve seen, taken a toll on my body and me. They have taken a toll.


So I commit myself to quit the acts, the self-deception, the manipulation, the self-dishonest, in favour of self-honesty, which may be, no, WILL be hard to admit, to accept, but there is no other way, because I will GET to self-honesty one way or another, whether I like it or not, and thus I choose to reach self-honesty in totality in THIS life.